Crash and Burn

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When I “came out” of the mental illness closet I received a groundswell of support. Sure, some were confused and/or ignorant, but most of them sought to understand more. Apparently I’m one of the lucky ones. As I meet more people diagnosed with mental illness, I hear some sad stories that break my heart. Some end up very lonely. The other day I was goofing around on Youtube and stumbled upon this old public service announcement that I want to share:

I crashed yesterday. My superpowers took a dive. I don’t know where, but apparently someone hid Kryptonite in my apartment. Three hours of sleep a night suddenly wasn’t enough, no more exercise because I could barely get my ass out of bed, and I ate, then I ate again, then I ate some more and more and more. I ate a lot.

Was I horribly depressed or did my body just tell me it’d had enough? I’m not sure. Maybe a little of both.

I’m blue about the eating thing. Yeah, I know it was only a day, but damn what a day. I’ve been looking forward to getting on the scale all week and now my heart is full of fear. Staring at that cold steel as I stand get up on it will be like staring into the eyes of the devil. It’s a good thing that security is usually located nearby because if the lever on the scale drops much to the right, rather than the left, they are going to have to put me in the ward or someone will get hurt.

My support group last week warned me about enjoying the mania too much and letting it control me. Warned me about the crash later from exhaustion and that I needed to be sure to take care of myself during the manic period. Last night I did go to group and I got “We told you so. You didn’t listen.” ARRRGGGHHHHH!!! I hate it when others call me on my shit and they’re right. I go to my pdoc this afternoon. I’m worried I’ll get a tongue lashing for not calling her during my last two weeks adventure. Sigh.

One exciting event two days ago. Make sure you’re sitting down. Hold on to your hats. I took a long bus ride! About a year ago there were two incidents in a row where I got off buses to change to another bus. In both incidents I became disoriented, confused, frightened and lost. It wasn’t fun. I was given orders by my pdoc, and my husband that I could not travel alone anymore. That was all before I was on meds.

Now I’m more balanced and I started taking the bus again. Just a little here and there and with no more than one bus change. It’s been going OK. I was invited by a friend to have lunch with her this week, but she works in Long Beach. I checked the schedule. It was only one bus change, but it was an hour ride and in an area I’ve never been. I was terrified and thrilled at the same time. I felt like Indiana Jones on an adventure. The most exciting thing is that things didn’t go perfectly. When I arrived to downtown Long Beach to switch buses, the signs were not clear where to go for my bus. I also was too late for my connection. But did I panic? NO! Did I shed a tear? NO! I looked these obstacles in the eyes and surmounted them. I was the conquerer. Two hours in one day on buses…that for me is an accomplishment indeed.

Finally, to other bloggers out there. I’ve been getting lots of “tags your it’s” in tag games. I’m not ignoring them, just need to get caught up. I’m honored to be getting so many, but jeesh there’s a lot of them!

  7 comments for “Crash and Burn

  1. Raymond
    May 30, 2008 at 18:38

    Hey Bradley! Glad to hear you are on your way to some great things. You are missed on the forums. Ray

  2. May 30, 2008 at 19:13

    Ray! Wonderful to hear from you. It’s been too long. I will need to stop in the old forums and say hi. Maybe even stay around for awhile.

  3. May 30, 2008 at 05:44

    Bradley!!The bus ride is quite a victory!! Hoooo 🙂 You might have crashed and burned but BABY!! Success Hoo!*hugs*Kimala

  4. May 30, 2008 at 04:48

    Congrats on the bus ride! Way to go!

  5. May 30, 2008 at 02:54

    Sorry to hear about the crash. It’s saddening to be in that moment. A fall from grace, so to speak.Congrats on the bus ride! You are a braver fellow than me! What a great feat!

  6. May 30, 2008 at 01:41

    Kudos on your bus ride! That is a great accomplishment. I can totally relate to tackling something that was once a major pain point. I am so proud of you and for you! I am sorry about your “crash” … I would kill for a good bout of mania but also grasp the bad side of it – ala the crash – so its a double edged sword. I am just tired of the fatigue/depression all the time. Although, it seems as though Cymbalta is helping some. Anyway… CONGRATS!!! *throwing confetti*

  7. May 29, 2008 at 20:34

    Wow!!! Congratulations on the bus. That is one scary deal especially in Downtown Long Beach. I’ve gotten myself lost and confused and that was before I became ill. My developmentally disabled client who I was trying to travel train had to explain it to me!!!! Who is teaching whom. Okay, I’m not comparing you to one of my clients!! I am just saying that it was one heck of a ride and transfer…congratulations.I hope it goes well with the pdoc. Thinking of you!! *hugs*

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