Deep Thoughts

spiritual sky

I hate platitudes. You know, the things people say that are supposed to make you feel better like “When one door closes, another one opens.” Or “If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” They seem well-meaning, but their real purpose is to give someone something to say when they have no clue as to what else to say. I believe those of us with mood disorders are bombarded with this drivel more than the average person.

Back about 15 years or so, when Saturday Night Live was still funny, they ran regular segments called “Deep thoughts by Jack Handy.” These were full of platitudes that were more likely to help you smile or even laugh. Like all SNL skits, they were either genius or they bombed. Here, in no particular order, are some of my favorites:

“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.”

“Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.”

“It’s funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.”

“To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.”

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.”

“If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that’s what He’s getting!”

“It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.”

“If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.”

“My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth – that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally – but I didn’t want to upset him.”

“I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people,”

“I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having sex.”

“Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words “mank” and “ind.” What do these words mean? It’s a mystery and that’s why so is mankind.”

“As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.”

“If I ever get real rich, I hope I’m not real mean to poor people, like I am now.”

“Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don’t know what your rights are, or who the person is you’re talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.”

“Broken promises don’t upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?”

“A man doesn’t automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.”

“He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that’s what I hated about him.”

“I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence!”

If you’d like to hear more, or purchase merchandise, this will take you to the Jack Handy Official website:

Jack Handy

Have a wonderful weekend and be wary around those clowns (My personal favorite.) Which ones are your favorites?

  9 comments for “Deep Thoughts

  1. Bradley
    January 22, 2014 at 11:06

    What are your favorites, Alana?

  2. January 22, 2014 at 09:08

    Oh man, Jack Handy is the best.

  3. January 21, 2014 at 19:46

    The one about sitting at the red light pondering life….I think that is what some people must be doing at the light. And clowns must be a real fear because my middle daughter hates clowns and even porcelain dolls. To my knowledge she never had a bad experience with one when she was a child. I loved SNL “back when they were funny.” Jack Handy always left you wondering sometimes. xo

    • Bradley
      January 22, 2014 at 10:59

      How funny. porcelain dolls creep me out too

  4. January 20, 2014 at 05:54

    Hahahahaha! God crying and the kid cracked me up so much!
    What, you don’t like clowns?? Haha
    I’m a clown collector and boy would you not like my 6ft cheerleader clown then! 🙂
    I got her in vegas when I visited the U.S. I’ve always been fascinated by the circus and clowns but I know heaps of people with a phobia of them! My room would terrify you but I would try and convince you to see the colour and fun in them! Haha No, you say! Okay Bradley you win, no clowns! Huge hugs instead. Nite fro Oz, Paula xxxxx

    • Bradley
      January 20, 2014 at 12:34

      I’ll always take big hugs

      • January 20, 2014 at 18:19

        Cool, then here’s another! My arms are wrapped around you tight like a teddy bear! Mwaaah! xxx

  5. January 17, 2014 at 15:47

    The pirates. Clowns a close second.

    • Bradley
      January 17, 2014 at 17:42

      The pirates is a great one. I’m terrified of clowns (seriously) which is why I chose that one first

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