I’m going to do something today that I rarely, if ever, have done before. I’m doing a post about how I feel now. Right this minute. So, here it goes – I feel like shit. It’s day five of debilitating depression and I’m sick of it. I’ve only showered every two days. Earlier in the week I went three days without showering. The thought of climbing into the tub and closing the door and then have water pounding against me is just too much to think about.
I’ve considered watching a movie, or going back and binging on some earlier Walking Dead episodes, but watching TV is going to put me to sleep. I’ve tried writing and am extremely frustrated that my brain just hasn’t been there the past few days. I did a little writing the other day and it came out gibberish. That’s frustrating because the prior week I was really on a roll. I knew I was at the top of my game and when I shared it with a critique group they all laughed and thought it was great. I wish this week was the same.
I tried reading a novel that’s supposed to be excellent. Has anyone read “Twenty-Eight and a Half Wishes?” Some of the Amazon comments were horrible, but most gave it five stars. It’s a humorous mystery, like I’m writing, but I just couldn’t read it. By the time I turned the page, I couldn’t remember what happened on the previous page. It required too much concentration so I shut down the Kindle.
All I’ve been able to do is read other blogs, Facebook and Twitter. The blogs are much easier to read than a novel because they don’t require as much extended concentration. I’m sorry, but if your post was about a thousand or more words, I probably skipped it. That’s just too much for me to concentrate on. I currently subscribe to 118 blogs and can usually get to all posts each day. That’s because, thankfully, not everyone posts every day so it’s pretty easy to keep track.
I normally keep the blinds closed when I’m depressed, but I’ve forced myself all week to keep them open. Despite yesterday being hands down the worse day I’ve had in a very long while, I was able to force myself to get outside. I took out the trash, checked the mail and even walked down to the drug store on the corner. None of that mattered. Didn’t help my spirits at all.
The good thing I just realized is I had no suicidal thoughts or suicide ideation at all. That tells me I’ve learned to cope. I’ve been coping by reminding myself that this will eventually pass. I know this from experience. If I did not believe it would pass, then my thoughts would be much worse.
I chose the picture above because it reminds me of the worst day of my life. I was living with a guy just to keep a roof over my head. I had several hundred dollars in my wallet to pay my child support and the rain was torrential. Somehow in the middle of it all I lost my wallet. My money was gone, a check was gone and all my stuff was gone. I happened to be standing in front of a church so I sat on its steps and cried. I cried a lot. Many of you have probably heard me tell that story dozens of times, but today that vision is in my head. I think today is nearly as bad and that’s why it came to mind.
That’s enough rambling for the day. I normally don’t use my blog to spew out my current feelings, but today I just needed t vent. I just had a couple of hallucinations and I keep nodding off, so I think maybe it would be best if I finish this and lay down. Thank you for staying with me through my whiney session. Have a great weekend.