Yesterday I looked at one of my posts from last week, in which I wrote about some of my regrets. I turned some of those regrets around and wrote yesterday’s post about gratitude. I realized that so many things in my life that hurt, or I regret, could easily be turned around and seen as a blessing. But what about bipolar? Is there a way to turn it from being a negative in my life to a positive? After deep thought I think I can give it a resounding yes.
WTF? You may ask. Am I actually grateful that I have bipolar disorder? Well, I’m grateful for who I am, and bipolar is part of me. In addition much of the crazy behavior in my past can easily be explained as part of being bipolar. At least that’s what my doctors tell me. I am who I am. I’m the guy who would walk around his neighborhood naked at 2am. I’m the guy who can’t have a credit card without maxing it out within a couple of days. I’m the guy who can’t concentrate for more than 30 seconds. I’m the guy who was homeless and slept in buses at night. I’m the guy who’s done some wonderful things, some hurtful things and some wildly crazy things. That’s me.
Most of the day, yesterday, was difficult. I was dealing with depression. Once again, the blinds were shut, I didn’t shower and I had to force myself not to eat everything in the house. It was a struggle. But…or should I say…BUT, I used a technique that works when I force myself to, and that would be staying in the here and now. When I would catch myself stewing in the dark place I stop myself for at least a moment and think about that second only. For that brief second, life was good. There were no dark cloud over me, and I didn’t hate myself. In fact, I would think a moment and realize that I like me. It’s not easy, and it does take some practice, but for me staying in the moment works.
Yes, I have regrets in my life, but does that always mean they’re bad? Had I done things differently, my life would be completely different today. I wouldn’t have my beautiful daughter, I wouldn’t have married Maurice, I wouldn’t have moved to Southern California (which I love). To say I wish I hadn’t done some things would negate the wonderful things in my life right now and I feel too blessed to do that. So yes, as crazy as it must sound, I am grateful for being bipolar. Without it I wouldn’t be who I am today and there’s too many wonderful things in my life to fill it full of regrets.