Hop On The Bus, Gus

A positive day for me. I haven’t been able to ride a bus alone for awhile. The past two times I did I got lost and was wandering the streets. Kind of like when I was a single gay man, but that’s a different story. We had couples therapy today and because of work Maurice couldn’t pick me up, so I took the bus. He only allowed me because there were none of those horribly complicated bus changes.

Last night I was terrorized to a near panic attack. Literally shaking. Would I be able to complete my mission of looking up the correct route and time? It was a success. Being obsessive and still shaky today, I took a bus a half hour earlier than necessary. I wasn’t nearly as freaked as I use to be. I even chose to be a big boy and not ask the driver to tell me when I reached my stop. That was a risk.

When dropped off, I was early and needed a place to wait so I hit the road. Every place I passed was a donut shop and a donut sounded damned tasty, so I kept walking. Btw, if you’re ever in my area and want a donut, I can direct you to the best street in town. By the time I was done I walked a half mile. My back was killing me, but I did it. If there had been a set of stairs I would have climbed them and danced like Rocky.

So my next big step is to ask my pdoc if I can begin doing this regularly. It’s also a straight shot to the beach and I’d love to start going there during the days. She probably will, I haven’t brought it up in awhile so it probably was OK a long time ago.

I also ate very well today. Hopefully this is a trend that is going to continue. One day at a time, Bradley, one day at a time.

At the couples therapy the pdoc asked us what we expect for the rest of our lives with my disease. Of course, We knew I’ll always be crazy but will we get it under control. We both agreed that we hoped it’d get better but were prepared to accept this is as good as it gets. He reiterated that we hoped to find the right meds and life adjustments to make me regularly stable but were prepared for acceptance. We agreed. That set my mind racing out of control. It was like a hamster in a wheel I knew he had talked with my other pdoc and they had concluded I will always be a fruit loop. Actually, there are times where that would be easier. It’s tiring to always be working to make things better.

The only negative today is I didn’t call my daughter who lives in the Midwest. Because of her busy schedule with after-school and weekend activities (dance, soccer, etc)I can only ensure I’ll reach her on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, my time. Today I didn’t do it. I was exhausted due to my big adventure so I came home and fell asleep and didn’t feel like I could talk with her today anyway. It’s difficult for me to hold a conversation with an adult for any length of time and even more with her. I did send an email and she responded just before bed, but it’s not enough.

  1 comment for “Hop On The Bus, Gus

  1. Shiv
    May 9, 2008 at 12:20

    My ex partner had sever social anxiety and stuff when it came to the same things, navigating public transport, facing the world at large, not having anyone there to help. I have some idea of how difficult it can be so I congratulate you on your success :)~Shiv

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