I had a great night sleep last night. I woke up about every hour on the hour starting about 2am. Each time I wanted to get up and do some things but forced myself to go back to sleep. Sounds bad, but it felt good. At 5:45 I couldn’t take it anymore. I got my ass out of bed and went for a walk. It was a miracle! I didn’t even have back pain. Something must be wrong.
Today is laundry day. Yes, I’m talking about laundry again – get over it! Having no quarters I had to walk to the supermarket to get some. Oh my God, I was walking again for the second time and it wasn’t even 8am yet. The idea of physically moving rather than sitting in front of a pc is a strange and scary world. On my way back from the market my back started to hurt, but not as bad as the past few weeks. It appears slowly I’m reversing the atrophy in my muscles. I’m feeling optimistic.
Don’t perky morning people suck? Well, that’s what poor Maurice woke up to as I was singing and sorting clothes. He said something to the nature of “Oh God, you’re manic today.” How dare he! I informed him I was not was manic, but was just feeling chipper. The look in his eyes, told me he wasn’t buying it. I hate that he’s almost always right and I was ordered not to overdo it. We’ll see.
I had the first Bipolar and Depression Support Group that I organized yesterday. There were only three of us, but we all seemed encouraged and willing to make a commitment to see the group grow. I’m excited and will continue to get the word out.
Back in my life are my old friends anxiety and panic. I have no idea why. My hands shake like an old drunk and I’ve gone back to biting my nails. I’m in LA where there’s a nail spa every 50 feet and my nails look like hell. My legs continually look like I’m bouncing an invisible baby. One of them always has to be going. Panic is my arch enemy. I’ve had a few mild attacks again but yesterday a bad one hit like a ton of bricks. While leaving a busy restaurant suddenly the acid trip, without acid started again. Things in the restaurant took a life of their own. All the lights were glaring directly at me, all the voices were shouting directly at me, all the sounds were ripping at my ears. I had to stop and grab the counter. To get out of the place we did our usual, I stared at Maurice’s back and followed him. Once close to the exit I ran like hell.
As if all that wasn’t enough. Vertigo is back. Do you remember the Wizard of Oz when Dorothy was lying on the bed as it spun in circles? That is what it use to be like for me. The damn thing is back. It’s not as bad, but it sucks. I’m started to fall down again. Fortunately I’ve always had something to grab onto or Maurice has caught me. I think there’s a relationship with my bipolar and all of this including the vertigo and seizures, but doctors and therapists have poo poo’d the idea. The bastards. I’ll talk to my new pdoc and see if she has anything to say about it.
Time to continue my “chipper” day and get the laundry out of the dryer. Let’s see if I get it all folded today.