I was sitting on the couch yesterday afternoon reviewing my life last week. On Thursday I posted that Mondays are normally difficult for me. I’m typically exhausted from the weekend so I usually become depressed and listless. But that didn’t happen last week. It was good. It didn’t stop on Monday. I continued to feel good the rest of the week. I wasn’t exhausted, overly depressed or listless. I smiled more, I laughed more, I felt energetic, and I was scared shitless.
It’s scary to get better. I have to look life square in the eye and do something with myself. Once I realize that is happening I try to turn off the self-talk saying “you’re a phony, you’re a loser, nobody likes you,” and worse of all, “hold on, cause it’s going to get bad again.” These are the things my brain loves to tell me to bring me down. Hell, I won President of my senior class, yet I went through all of high school sad because I “knew” nobody liked me. I wish it wasn’t just in high school that I felt that way. Those feelings of inadequacy have been with me as long as I can remember.
A few years back there was a man who I would frequently see on the bus. He had Tourette syndrome. He kept repeating the same words over and over again, but I couldn’t make out what he was saying. For weeks I tried to listen closely so that I could understand what he was saying. One day he finally mumbled slower. I continued to listen again and again. YES! I finally was able to make out what he was saying: “Inferior.” Over and over again day in and day out, the man lived a life repeatedly referring to himself as “Inferior.” It was sad, but I understood. It’s what I had felt about myself as young as I can remember.
Do I still have those feelings of inferiority? Yes, I do. Do I still feel like I don’t belong? Yes, I do. Do I still feel less than? Yes, I do. Those feelings haven’t gone away and likely never will. But I will continue to adapt. I will continue to have more weeks like last week.
As I continue to get better I will continue to be frightened at the idea. I will be scared when my doctors continue to work with me to adapt to living a “normal” life. Getting on with my life continues to scare me. Sometimes it scares me to the point that I can’t get out of bed. It still happens, but not as often. I’m finding myself to have more weeks like last weeks and for that I am grateful.