Like A Pig To The Trough

When Maurice and I arrived a few people were standing around the table where hors d’oeuvres were being served. We skipped lunch, so we were relieved there was a little to eat. I couldn’t believe the grilled vegetables. Grilled asparagus, onions, peppers, carrots, eggplant – each and every one of them tasted as wonderful as they looked. I piled these delectable treats on my plate.

Next to the vegetables was the cheese tray. I know, I know, I shouldn’t be eating much cheese on my diet, but it was a birthday party after all and one must be polite. I didn’t know what kind of cheese to get. There must have been a dozen types and most I couldn’t figure out what the hell they were. I was left with no choice in my dilemma – I had to get a “sample” of each one. My small cheese and vegetable platter in hand I began to walk towards a table when a server stopped me on the patio and asked if I’d like a meatball. She was so young and sweet, I couldn’t say no.

I scarfed down my (not so) little plate of deliciousness and decided I must still be polite and went back for a second fill. Remember, I skipped lunch after all. The second time around I knew exactly which of the cheeses I liked and only picked those, which was each and every one of them. Oh yeah, got to get some veggies too. I still didn’t want to appear rude. Plus, that’s the thing fat people like me do. If nothing else, I had to pretend to eat the veggies. Fortunately these were delicious.

On the way back to the table this time I was stopped by another young lady offering chicken skewers dipped in peanut sauce. Later there was bruschetta and then more meatball and then more chicken skewers and more bruschetta. I could feel my waist busting as I was feeling sufficiently full and proud that I’d done my best to ensure the hosts that I was enjoying myself.

Then there was an announcement. They wanted us all to go inside for dancing lessons while the caterers set up the food. EXCUUUUSE ME? After all I ate we were going to dance and then top it off with THE food? I thought what we’d been eating was THE food. Inside I reluctantly traipsed and joined a hundred other people making fools of ourselves as we learned a new dance that I’ll likely never do again.

When the doors were opened back to the patio to the buffet I stayed behind. I stayed behind, not because I was full, but because that’s what fat people do. If we get there too early then people will comment that we are pigs and that is why were are fat. If we wait too long then all the good stuff will be gone. We have to wait for that perfect moment when a good line gets going but there’s still plenty of people milling about. It takes proper schooling to learn this technique. I hear they are giving them online now.

The buffet was disgustingly wonderful. Salad, shrimp, salmon, crab legs, beef stroganoff, rolls, lasagna. I was loving Los Angeles at this point. I knew had I been back in the midwest, I’d be at a birthday party serving burgers in the backyard. The food called to me. I couldn’t resist. I decided the caterers were Satan’s minions.

Topping it off, we ended with the birthday cake. It was at this point I had to keep myself from losing it all on the patio. Dancing was beginning and I said “F**K it!” No way. Not for me. I let Maurice dance while I sat back in a chair feeling like I looked like Jabba the Hut.

Getting home it was nap time. My body was exhausted from the whole affair. As I lay there in bed staring at the ceiling I made a firm decision – there is no way in hell I’m getting my ass on a scale this week.

  17 comments for “Like A Pig To The Trough

  1. August 15, 2008 at 23:21

    Nice seeing you there. It was fun.

  2. August 13, 2008 at 01:37

    Ya know…I used to make a joke about how the food at every party I went to was completely untouched. Because the parties were full of gay men, and none of them wanted to be seen eating solid food in front of other gay men.Of course, that all changed when I turned 30. And now I’m older than that, so when someone says “finger food,” my usual response is to figure out the traffic pattern of the cater waiters and place myself strategically next to the kitchen door.Aw, man. Now I want a snack. Damn you, Bradley!

  3. August 13, 2008 at 01:24

    ehh! take a vacation from the scale! I really enjoy your blog!

  4. August 12, 2008 at 14:26

    have a diet and eat a cheese, right, great diet 😆

  5. Lea
    August 11, 2008 at 19:57

    I apologize for this being off topic, but I want to let you know that you have received an award. You can find the details on my site. Congratulations!

  6. Slim Fat Man
    August 11, 2008 at 17:31

    In reading your post, I think about the vendors who peddle the sugar, refined flour where I do my morning power walk. I see people who spend a great effort exercising only to succumb to the want of something that will comfort them temporary pleasure. I don’t understand it. I just walk past them, and I think to myself that they are like drug pushers providing a service that I do not want anymore. Is it will power? I think not. I want to stop the self-defeating choices that make me go up and down the scale.

  7. Steve v4.7
    August 11, 2008 at 14:11

    Sounds like my kind of event. Interesting observation about the timing of your approach to the buffet table. I used to time my approach so that I got there about mid-throng; so that I don’t look too eager or like I’m already on my second pass.

  8. August 11, 2008 at 20:58

    @sfm You’re right about the sweets. There’s a donut shop and a Starbucks (I love their muffins) right past where I walk every morning. It’s very rare that I ever stop into the Starbucks for food and I never have stopped in the donut shop, and I love donuts. As you said, it’s not willpower, it’s a different way of thinking. @lea Thank you. I’ll check it [email protected] Yeah, it was a great party. I’m not going to sweat it too much anymore. I had fun. Your ballet instructor sounds like they had a good head on their shoulders.

  9. August 11, 2008 at 20:03

    All I can say is oh my God I wish I was there! one party won’t throw off the scale though! I was a ballet dancer (in my long ago youth) and one thing the instructor always insisted to us was to BE at a party, enjoy it and not to be boring girls eating only carrot sticks.I think you did grand by me! LOL

  10. la
    August 11, 2008 at 12:24

    You had me drooling at grilled eggplant.

  11. Zathyn Priest
    August 11, 2008 at 09:05

    If there’s free food on offer, I say take it! Especially when it sounds that good. The scales will still be there next week – no need to visit them now. So long as you had a good time at the party 🙂

  12. August 11, 2008 at 15:35

    @dani It was a heck of an event. The dancing wasn’t so bed, just timing was after gorging [email protected] Good to hear from you, my [email protected] I ate enough for both of us – [email protected] The weight is a burden in more ways than [email protected] Timing is of the utmost [email protected] the food was worth enjoying I’ll have to [email protected] I’d be happy to be added to your blog [email protected] man I’m not going to worry much. It was worth it. The scale will come next week.

  13. August 11, 2008 at 14:46

    Sounds like you had a great time. Don’t worry about the diet thing. Just get back on the path. Don’t let one bad (food) day turn into a few.

  14. August 11, 2008 at 14:41

    just visiting. 🙂 you take care…i hope you don;’t mind me adding your blog to my blog roll. thanks!jules

  15. August 11, 2008 at 14:38

    Sounds like the food was worth enjoying! Ain’t nothing wrong with that. It’s funny, the way you described waiting for just the right moment to do/say something was very familiar. We all have our worries in social situations, I guess. Still, I wish we didn’t feel that kind of fear/ judgment so much. It isn’t really fair.

  16. August 11, 2008 at 13:43

    God…the plight of the overweight. Always wondering if people are snickering amongst themselves.I think people who’ve experienced extra weight will always carry that burden, will always feel like the fattest person in the room who everyone is looking at.Of course I had to focus on that aspect of your post. Vegetables be damned.

  17. August 11, 2008 at 07:52

    Sounded like one heck of an event as well as great food. Glad to see that you had a good time, minus the dance lessons..

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