Loneliness

Loneliness has been bugging me lately. It’s a strange thing. I believe, in most peoples head, the word “loneliness” conjures up a picture of a person sitting alone in a room feeling sad. That’s fair. But, someone wiser than me once said, “There’s nowhere more lonely than a crowded room.” I can’t remember who said that, but it is exactly how I feel at times.

Parties are lonely for me. It doesn’t matter what is going on. I’ll be talking, laughing and having a good time except for the bubble around me that makes me feel isolated and alone. It’s like being an observer, standing just outside the crowd watching what’s going on, but not being a participant.

When Maurice and I met for the first time, we laid on the beach and talked for five hours and we haven’t stopped talking since. He’s my husband, but he’s also my best friend. Yet, there are times, such as last night, when we’re together, but I feel all alone.

Sometimes, I can look back and see how ridiculous I’ve been. In high school I felt very alone. Nobody liked me even though I had a group of great friends that I hung out with. I ran for Senior Class President against a couple of kids who were popular…part of the “in crowd.” Well, who thought that no one liked him, yet won the election. Yep, it was me. I still felt all alone.

I’m convinced that it’s my depressive side that puts me there. That’s my best hypothesis. I hope someday these feelings will go away. They make me very sad and alone. I hope someday the bubble will burst and I will no longer make me feel isolated. It’s very tiring and I hope it changes soon.

On a more positive note, I lost weight last week and am very excited. I only lost 0.8 of a pound, but the tide is turning. Now that I’m not in school, I can focus more on my health. It’s a small step, but the first step for getting back on track. I’ve sworn to myself that the loss will continue.

  13 comments for “Loneliness

  1. November 20, 2013 at 04:53

    Oh right..forgot to say that no matter how lonely it seems sometimes, how alone you are, it does pass eventually.

    More hugs

  2. November 20, 2013 at 04:52

    Hugs…I know exactly what you are talking about. I was in a meeting yesterday, well not really a meeting a small office do and I felt so very lonely sitting there and looking at everyone smiling and talking.

    On the bright side yay weight loss!

  3. Lora
    November 11, 2013 at 14:08

    OK, here’s a bipolar response for you – YEY! to the scale being on your side again. And DRAT! To feeling lonely in a crowd. So it happens even when you’re around people who you know love you?

    • Bradley
      November 11, 2013 at 14:13

      Yeah, Lora, it can happen anywhere at anytime. Fortunately, through work, I was required to wine and dine and have parties for my clients. As a result, I’ve learned to mask it pretty well. Don’t get me wrong, I am able to have good times at parties, but it’s kind of like the depression – it’s frequently there anyway.

  4. November 11, 2013 at 13:58

    I know exactly how you feel. I am great at hiding the fact that I suffer from near paralyzing social anxiety. I can’t go to parties if I do not know the people well; if they friends of friends, I’ll stay home. I experienced a lot of bullying during the years before I got into college because I was different, I was weird, I was too smart, I was blonde, I was too curious, I liked school too much,the list goes on. Apparently, I was sending out weirdo signals to the other kids. So, I became very shy and very withdrawn. I also became very depressed. I took to writing and reading a lot. Anything solitary where I did not have to be in human contact.

    I do think it is part of depression to feel alone even with people. I know from the last few months of my now defunct marriage that I have never felt more alone and I was very depressed. Even in the relationships that have worked long term, I have had periodic bouts of loneliness usually in conjunction with a semi-depressive state.

    Did your semester at school end for the year? How’d you do? Way to go on the weight loss! That’s awesome 🙂

    • Bradley
      November 11, 2013 at 14:09

      No, the semester hasn’t finished, but I have. I didn’t get an essay turned in on time. It was going to affect my total grade, obviously. My professor convinced me to withdraw from the class so I can take it in the spring semester and get a better grade. There’s some complications as a result of the number of classes I’ve dropped so I’m not sure I be allowed to return in the spring. Here’s a more detailed explanation: http://www.howisbradley.com/peaceful-easy-feeling/

      • November 11, 2013 at 14:14

        I am sorry to hear that. I know that was a very important endeavor for you. Hugs….

  5. Betty
    November 11, 2013 at 13:00

    I share your “alone” feeling at times, as I suspect many do, especially in groups of people. When I’m truly by myself, it’s not a problem. Odd, isn’t it, that even though I may be reminded by others’ actions and statements that I’m seen as a well-liked, well-thought of person, sought out by others, in my mind I’m still that awkward too tall high-school age kid with a stepmother who didn’t like her, who wore glasses and braces and most always ate lunch alone. My retreat from the world then was in books, and it still is.

    • Bradley
      November 11, 2013 at 13:17

      Yep, you understand. I relate to everything you said, Betty

  6. Cat
    November 11, 2013 at 12:14

    Well done on losing weight

    • Bradley
      November 11, 2013 at 12:43

      Thank you, Cat

  7. Rose
    November 11, 2013 at 09:32

    I know what you mean. When I went to my sister’s baby shower, I was reminded of how alone I feel, even when socializing. And otherwise I feel great, so I don’t know if it’s something that will ever go away or not, not to be negative. Just hang in there, because while I’m not sure that particular aspect gets better, a lot of other ones do. All my best, Rose

    • Bradley
      November 11, 2013 at 12:42

      I think it’s likely that it’s one of those things that stick with us. Fortunately it doesn’t affect my ability to socialize. I think I’ll just experience it differently than other people

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