The past couple of days have been like the old days. That evil creature, depression, has come back to haunt me. It’s not like it’s ever gone away. I feel depression flowing through my veins every second of every day. The difference is it’s back with a vengeance this time. I wish I could say that it’s easier to adapt to it since I’ve gone this long controlling it, but that would be a lie. It sucks and it sucks badly.
When I started my day Tuesday I wasn’t in the best of spirits to begin with. I was hurting. I had an Anthropology exam scheduled at 11am and I knew it wasn’t going to go well. I don’t know if I was depressed because of the exam, or if I was just naturally dealing with good old fashioned depression again. I think it was a combination of the two.
At school I work with their Special Services department. Excellent program for those with disabilities and need accommodations. My accommodations are simple. My major one is extended time for taking a test. I get 150% of normal test time. For example, if an exam will typically take one hour to complete, I get 90 minutes. Well, yesterday I didn’t need those extra minutes. I was done very quickly. I didn’t know a damn thing. It was like I had never seen any of the information before. How well I did will be based on how well I guessed. As I said, I was down already, I didn’t need the exam to be the catalyst to bring me down even further. But it did.
After the exam I had time to hit the gym before I headed home. I skipped it. When I got home I knew exactly what to do. I ate. Then I ate. And then I ate again. It felt like I cleaned out the cabinets…and there is some validity to that.
I’d hoped it would pass overnight, but it didn’t. I woke up yesterday morning and immediately my brain began beating the shit out of me again. I was so lethargic I could barely move. I did start eating everything out of the house again, but it was more frustrating than the day before. I felt like I was starving, yet, there was nothing left in the house to ease my hunger. After a morning of pure hell I was falling asleep in my chair and decided to take a nap. Maurice agreed to give me a wake up call in 90 minutes and he did follow through on that. I didn’t. Immediately after his call I fell right back to sleep and didn’t wake up til after 5pm. When I was awake I continued with the eating again. Knowing it was the worst thing I should be doing, I continued. Once again, my head beat the crap out of me.
Nothing here is new for those who have read my blog regularly, it’s just that it’s coming back. There was a minor change in my meds a couple of weeks ago and I suspect it may have led me back to this state. I hope that is the case and I look forward to speaking with pdoc again. This really has got to stop – and soon!