Remember the movie “Ghost”? When Patrick Swayze’s character dies he can’t touch anything. His hands keep going through anything he tries to touch. That’s what it sometimes feels to me. There’s a major flaw in the movie, by the way, since he does run up stairs and is able to ride a subway, but I digress.
Remember the movie “The Matrix”? There’s a scene right after Keanu Reeves takes the blue pill and his perception starts to change. He touches a mirror and it sticks to his finger like goo when he pills his finger away. That’s what it sometimes feels to me.
I get this perception problem that the entire world around me is unreal. (of course, sometimes I wish that were true). I freeze in my tracks and become afraid to move. If I touch anything I’ll find out it’s not real because either my hand will go straight through it or more likely it go through anything but it will be like putting it through a rubbery gooey substance.
When I was going through constant episodes of extreme mania and extreme depression, I would experience this frequently. That doesn’t happen much these days and when it does it’s not as severe and doesn’t last long. Until last night, that is.
There wasn’t anything going on at the time. I just happened to be crossing the room to turn on the fan in the window when I stopped dead in my tracks. Suddenly, everything around me became a fog. It was like I was there but everything else was an illusion. There is a part of me during these moments that thinks it would be cool if I put my hand through things, but there’s a stronger part of me that is afraid. Last night I was terrified.
I completely froze when the feeling overwhelmed me. I was scared to death to move forward and tears started welling up in my eyes. Maurice was in the room and immediately realized what was going on. “Feel the floor, feel the floor” he kept telling me. Doing so gave me a little comfort, but I was still too frightened to move.
I’m sure it only lasted only a minute or so, but it seems like hours that this feeling occured. Finally I was able to get myself to crawl onto the bed and cover my face. The feeling was still there, but it started going away. It’s a terrible feeling.
My pdoc asked recently if I was having this problem still and I told her “no”. I have an appointment with her this week so I’m looking forward to discussing this with her further. I’d really like to know what is causing this and what to do about it.
I’m curious, have you experienced anything like this? Was it a rare thing or something that has happened repeatedly? I’ve never spoke with anyone who’s experienced it so I’m curious if others have.