So Pretty, and Witty, and Gay – Part II

When I was in Junior High my family moved to North Carolina. Being a boy from the Midwest, this was major culture shock. I refused to think that I was gay, but I knew I had gay feelings. There was no way that I could possibly let them know my feelings. Can you imagine if they found out along with the fact that I am primarily attracted to black men? There were Klan members in my High School and I just didn’t think that was a combination that they’d appreciate.

I had very few friends who were boys when I was younger. In North Carolina that was one positive change. I met up with a group of good ‘ol boys and we all became very close. In fact, we stayed in touch for years after graduation. The closeness I had with this group of friends was the most positive thing that had happened, despite still feeling like an outsider. I still haven’t mentioned to any of them that they were all adorable and I had crushes on each one at one time or another. I doubt they would like that very much, but who knows?

My friends were all attractive and were always getting the girls, while I on the other hand had gained a lot of weight and did not like myself very much. There were a couple of girls I kissed, but that was it. Not much to brag about in the last 7 years of my schooling. They told me I was a great kisser so it’d be funny for them to find out they were making out with a gay man.

We were a wild and woolly bunch. We would go to biker bars and drank a lot as well as do drugs. Mostly we drank and drank. Drinking was something I loved to do. It got me out of my head and I was silly and felt a part of the group. The mornings afterwords I was always proud that I was usually the main topic. Everyone laughed and enjoyed talking about my crazy antics that I didn’t remember. Big sloppy drunks are always a laugh riot. Remember John Belushi?

The painful part was not being able to come out and be who I was. I had to stay in the closet for fear of being rejected by everyone. I loved my friends but frequently felt I was only tolerated. Even though I didn’t know I was bipolar at the time, I did some strange things as a result. My actions came across as just plain weird. My bipolar disorder was enough. Being gay made it worse. I begged not to be gay. I didn’t feel shame – just didn’t want to be so different than anyone else.

Most embarrassing to me was that they probably all thought I was a virgin when I graduated high school. Heaven forbid! A guy being a virgin at high school graduation? Of course not even if you have to lie. I knew I’d never get away with lying. I was a virgin with girls, but not with boys. I had a good friend, Johnny, who was not part of my regular group of friends. One night while staying over at Johnny’s I lost my virginity. It was scary. It was wonderful. Finally I met someone like me. Johnny and I remained friends, had sex several times, but never discussed later what occurred.

After Johnny I began to have rendezvous in all kinds of sordid places. I had no idea how to meet a gay man otherwise or how to approach someone. Going out and just asking someone on the street just didn’t seem like a good option for me. Each encounter made me feel dirty and scared and I promised myself that I would never do it again. I felt even more like an outsider and was lonely no matter where I was or who I was with. Again, I felt only tolerated and not befriended most of the time.

In case I haven’t made it clear. I felt like an outsider. Thank you.

I worked a few years after graduation, but finally it was time to leave town. I needed a new start and possibly be who I was. Where was the place to go? For the life of me I can’t figure out why I chose to move to Nebraska. Certainly that was a gay mecca wasn’t it?

I promised today would be the conclusion, but I guess things were more complicated than I anticipated. Check in tomorrow for Part III and you’ll learn about meeting the girl of my dreams.

  9 comments for “So Pretty, and Witty, and Gay – Part II

  1. October 23, 2008 at 04:10

    Keep up the good work.

  2. Michelle
    August 5, 2008 at 16:50

    After writing the story then the cd. So good to know more of your story, where I can’t interrupt.

  3. August 2, 2008 at 19:36

    #old man the final conclusion is posted finally. I hope you [email protected] Yes Crighton and I were mad passionate lovers. LOL. Actually I appreciate your comment that this blog will help others. That’s exactly what it’s all about.

  4. August 2, 2008 at 17:34

    Ah… HA! So you DID meet Crighton in the gay mecha of Nebraska! I just KNEW it 🙂 (jk)Bradley – your story is incredible. Your writing is fantastic. I’m so appreciative of your candidness. And… I’m wondering where this story is going to end up. It seems to me… as you work through each of the parts… that it is destined for other genres besides the blogosphere. Your story will undoubtedly help others – with better understanding of others in similar situations, and ultimately themselves.

  5. August 2, 2008 at 15:48

    An amazing journey so far. I’m looking forward to tomorrow.

  6. August 2, 2008 at 10:52

    Your journey sure is fascinating, Bradley. You somehow fill even the melancholy bits with warmth and truth. I could listen to you talk for hours.

  7. Abbey
    August 2, 2008 at 02:24

    Hi Bradly, Im working with a young (16) gay man at the moment. He’s pretty confident at where he is at with his sexuality. Do you mind if I let him read your post…Love Abz

  8. la
    August 2, 2008 at 00:00

    >>Check in tomorrow for Part III and you'll learn about meeting the girl of my dreams.*crosses fingers it's me*jk ;)Moving to Nebraska is pretty funny. It sounds like you were moving further into the closet. Reminds me of a line from an old TV show …Tom: I like the men in my life to be strong, and stand up for what they believe in. Not be so far back in the closet that they're in f*****g Narnia!

  9. August 2, 2008 at 02:46

    @la I’m sure if I knew you then you’d have been at the top of my [email protected] Absolutely, abbey, I’d be thrilled. Thank you.

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