It’s back again…or did it ever leave? I’m talking about that mix of anxiety and depression that flows through my veins. A couple of months ago I mentioned it never goes away and, yep, it’s still here. It’s not in my veins, actually. It feels more like there’s a second layer of skin directly beneath my top layer that holds, nurses and caresses my depression and anxiety. Its had its grasp on me my entire life and for some reason it is becoming more and more apparent. I don’t know why. Even at my happiest times, when I’m talking, when I’m laughing, when I’m playing there’s this thing that holds on and refuses to let me just let myself go and have a fantastic time.
It feels like it’s always moving, flowing along beneath the surface. Is it the physical nursing the mental, or is it the mental nursing the physical? They are so intertwined that it’s impossible to tell. What I wouldn’t give for just one day that neither had their hold on me. It’s so exhausting.
I think I need to go to the beach today.
Sounds like a mixed episode to me. The most unpleasant of all….you’re fortunate to have a beach to go to, to let the healing presence of the water, wind, sands, all the wonderful sights, smells, the crying of the gulls….I grew up in Southern New England where the beach was part of life, and I sure miss it! Hope you’re feeling better by now……