My winning streak of staying balanced is over, but I didn’t completely crash and burn either…at least not for long. On Wednesday I started feeling depressed. I tried to come up with a reason why this was happening, but couldn’t come up with anything situational. When I experienced disassociation that afternoon, I knew this wasn’t looking good.
Thursday was bad. Deep dark depression bad. It wasn’t anywhere near as bad as I’ve experienced before, but there were a couple of times that I laid in bed and cried for no reason. Maurice sent a text telling me to go get the mail so I’d get outside and I immediately responded, “NO.”
I am a rapid cycler so I’m fortunate that many of my spells don’t last long, especially since being on meds. Friday I was better already. I wasn’t great, but better, and I was able to get my ass outside for a few minutes. Normally I would likely rebound into a manic state, but my meds have been good for avoiding mania. I wish they worked as well for depression and anxiety.
Last week I mentioned that I planned to talk with my therapist about going to Voc Rehab to see about getting back to the workforce. We did talk about me getting more study on web design. It was an idea I floated around a bit, but decided not to pursue it because I didn’t think I could handle having to market myself. Not once during that time period did I think about working for someone else. I found that rather funny. So, my therapist and I discussed it a bit and he agrees with Maurice that I need to finish my novel first. I have to stay focused and finish something, which I rarely do. So for now, I’ll continue doing what I’m doing and will revisit work options down the road.
Weight and Fitness
Weight on July 30 – 255.6
Weight on August 06 – 257.2
Total gain = 1.6 lbs.
Last month I lost nearly 10 lbs. and this month I started out the gate by gaining 1.6 lbs. My reaction to that is THANK GOD!!! I had expected to gain much, much more. Maurice and I had a splurge last weekend and were fine with it. We knew we had the rest of the week to make it up. WRONG!!! The rest of the week was shaky overall, but when the depression hit, it was no holds barred. I could have saved a lot of steps had I just moved the refrigerator right smack dab in the living-room.
We didn’t have a lot of food in the house, so I had to be creative. At one point I opened a can of pumpkin and started eating it with a spoon. I thought since it’s generally used for making pies that it would be pretty tasty because they’d put sweetener in it. As it turned out it was 100% pumpkin and just about the nastiest food I’ve ever put in my mouth.
Writing? What writing? Actually, I didn’t get as much as I should in, but I’m mostly satisfied with what I did. I’ve found myself studying again. I read articles about m/m (male/male) fiction and its special nuances, so I decided I need to read at least a couple of books to get the gist. I’m finding reading the books has been enlightening to say the least.
For now I’m still stuck on chapters 9 and 10, which is about halfway through the novel, but it will now be my primary activity in the coming weeks. It must be.
It’s hard for me to grade the week overall. I mean, my mood was awful, I gained weight, and I’ve gotten very little writing done, but it doesn’t feel like a bad week overall. I guess on a 1 – 10 scale, I’ll give it a 5…maybe a 4, but I’ll say 5. I’ll raise my glass of sparkling cider up and say “Here’s to a better week.”