Not sure how I’ve felt. I haven’t been depressed. I haven’t been manic. I think my week was just meh. On the other-hand, I think I’m out of touch with my feelings. I am eating everything I can get my hands on, no matter how hard I try not to. The fridge was stocked full of fresh fruit, which usually keeps me satisfied, but not last week. As sugary as fruit can be, it just wasn’t enough. I needed more, more, more. For me, that’s usually a sign of depression or anxiety. Hopefully, whatever it is, it will be easier on me this week.
On Friday I talked it over extensively with my therapist. We never talked about the root of the problem because we focused on plans of action to help me overcome this so it didn’t leave us time. When I see him again in a couple of weeks, we’ll dig deeper into why I’m eating my life away.
Maurice and I had a long discussion and agreed it’s time I stopped seeing my pdoc every month. I’ve talked with my pdoc a couple of times about this, yet he seems to ignore me. Out of the six meds I take, five of them can have 90 days of refills. The sixth one has addictive tendencies so I can only have a prescription for thirty days. That still doesn’t justify seeing him every month. He can call my prescription in to the pharmacy, or I’d be happy to go to his office and pick up my prescription from the receptionist.
Maurice says he is going to go with me to my next appointment. I don’t know what it is, but Maurice can usually get through to him. Most people see their pdoc for about fifteen minutes every three months, while I’m with mine for about forty-five minutes each and every month. It’s time that has ended.
Weight and Fitness
Weight on Sep 24: 261.6 lbs.
Last week’s Weight and Fitness review ended with this sentence:
Next week I have every expectation that I’ll be giving a better report.
Maurice and I were out of town visiting his parents so I didn’t get weighed. I will say that’s probably a good thing, since I continued to binge as much as the prior week…maybe even more, if that’s possible. I believe the scale most certainly went up since I was weighed on the 24th.
As I said above, it’s been tough for me. Friday at Starbucks was a good example. I was there most of the day writing. I had lunch, and about an hour later I bought their dark chocolate peanut butter cups. Why? I have no idea. I was full from my meal, but I started craving them and when I went to the counter to get a refill on my drink, low and behold, I was buying them. I found no satisfaction from eating them in any way and I knew I wouldn’t. (sigh)
Started last weekend off great in the exercise department, but it dropped off to nonexistent after Monday. I have many excuses, but no good reasons.
Yes, I want to look better, yes I want to have more energy, yes I want my clothes to fit better, yes I don’t want to feel ashamed when people see me eat. All those are great reasons to get in shape, but the primary reason is I don’t want to die young. Generally, people with bipolar have shorter lifespans, but studies have shown if we take care of ourselves, we can live much happier, healthier lives and may even be able to extend our lifespans. I want that so badly, yet it seems so out of reach.
Overall a good week. I got quite a bit of good writing done. Not as much as I’d have liked, but much better than previous weeks until I reached Chapter Eleven. Chapter Eleven is THE big sex scene. I’m not sure where to go with this. I could easily write an erotic scene with lots of graphic descriptions, but not sure I want to go in that direction. Erotica is more popular now than ever, but I think I really want to go more mainstream. This would make my scene more sensual than sexual. I’ve tried to start it numerous times and have struggled. I decided to skip it and go straight to the morning after and contemplate what to do about the sex.
The other night I had a dream about two of the primary suspects which made me laugh. I rarely remember my dreams, but this one is still very vivid. They’re adults in the manuscript, but were teenagers in my dream. I don’t see how any of it can be used in the novel, but who knows.
I believe I’m still on course to finish by March. Probably earlier than that.
My mood was off a bit. Binging was terrible and I had virtually no exercise. The manuscript is coming along fine. I hit a bump in the road regarding the sex thing, but it’s not like I have writer’s block. I think because of my voracious appetite; I can’t give a good or medium score. It was so bad that I’m giving it a D –