Wow what a difference a few years makes. When I started this blog in 2008 I was a mess. During that time I could not talk in a complete sentence. I would start a sentence and midway through I would draw a blank and have no idea what I was going to say. I would freeze for a quick moment and then ask what was I talking about. About half the time the other person in the conversation would say “I don’t know.” I suspect that frequently they did know, but wanted to get away as fast as possible.
I also struggled with spelling. One of my older posts refers to this. For some reason I started typing all words exactly like they sound. can’t became kant. should became shood. heard became hurd. This required me to spend an enormous amount of time checking, rechecking and rechecking again before hitting the publish button. Today I am able to spell again. Now, I’m a firm believer that can’t should be spelled kant, but that’s for a different post. My grammar is still awful, but that comes from having terrible grades in English, and not due to any side effects of mental illness.
It’s a liberating feeling to say the least. It’s exciting when I’m having a conversation with someone these days and they stop me to say “you know we weren’t able to have this conversation a few years ago.”
I’m taking a speech class this summer and that’s going great. I’m averaging a “B” on all tests and an “A” on all speeches. In fact, my speech professor says that one of my speeches was “brilliant” and that I “have a gift.” And that I “should have it published.” Talk about validation. In my opinion, my delivery needs a little work, but my classmates are telling me that I don’t know what I’m talking about. Apparently they can’t see my hands shaking behind the podium.
I hate to brag – but I am. Seriously, it was not long ago that I determined that my life was never going to get better. That the way it was – was the way it was going to be. What I was feeling was forever going to be a part of me. Suicidal thoughts? You bet your ass I had them. Hell, I have them still today and probably the rest of my life, but when they do come up they are mere flashes that die quickly in my mind. I must stress that I am far from being cured. I still confuse easily amongst many other things. But the me that is around today is far from the me there was 5 years ago.
I endured a lot of pain and a lot of grief, but here I am still standing. I’m glad I fastened my seat belt because it was a bumpy ride. I’m going to keep them on cause despite how well things are going in my life, I know it will continue to be a bumpy. Still, I have come a long way, Baby.