Yesterday didn’t go as I had hoped. I took care of a few things that needed to get out of the way in the morning and then I sat my ass down to write. It was much more difficult than I had expected.
Being a writer is strange. You love to do something you hate. Writing is hard. Not everyone can do it. If you don’t love it you won’t be successful at it. If you’re only in it for a quick buck, there are many easier ways to make money.
So, I reviewed where I had stopped, analyzed my outline and my notes…and froze. Not forever, but more than I expected. I think my expectations were too high. I felt great for the last couple of days without being manic, so I thought I could jump right in and go at it like I used too.
I was interrupted here and there throughout the day. Some of it was dealing with an upgrade to my website, which I started because I thought it was going to be an easy task. I thought wrong. There were things that needed to be resolved. My webmaster took care of things from the back end by working with my web host, but I had some cleaning up to do that had to be done before the update happened. I thought that was going to happen yesterday, but now its carried over to today.
It’s not that what I had to do with the website took all that time, nor did all the other little tasks I had to deal with. Unfortunately, having more than a few things to do throws my whole system out of whack. Let me give you a week, for instance. If I have three or more things scheduled in a week (doctor’s appointments, or whatever) my week is maxed out. At least that’s what my brain tells me. Having multiple tasks during the day affects me in a similar way. Once I do something, I have to settle for a bit to let my brain recharge and focus on the next task at hand.
But, that all being said, I did get started again. I was disappointed, but I stopped and am now easier on myself. I did what I did and that was enough. I’m proud of the work I accomplished and am ready to do the same today. I have to do some recording for the podcast, but that’s not until the afternoon, so I have all morning with no excuses.
A Milestone
One of the little things I wrapped up yesterday is a big thing for me. The narrator and I have had to work on one bit of the novel that wasn’t working out. It’s the demo that people are allowed to listen to for a few minutes before purchasing the book. We both pondered on the best scene to use and then it wouldn’t work out for one reason or another.
Finally, yesterday, we were both happy with the entire thing, I clicked the final approval button, and it’s now off to ACX to review. ACX is the company that provides audiobooks to Audible and other outlets.
It’s done, it’s done, it’s done. I think it’s unlikely ACX will reject the book so it’s out of my hands now. The big if is when will it be released. With Covid they don’t seem to be consistent. Some authors I know have told me they had their final approval and released in a few days. Others have waited months. I’d be extremely happy to have it come out before the holidays hit. I don’t want it to get lost in the shuffle.
I like the narrator I chose a lot, and plan to have him do my second novel. I hope others agree I chose the right guy. We’ll see.
Naps
One thing I had hoped wouldn’t happen yesterday was having to take a nap. They’ve become a regular thing to me since my recent return of depression and mania. In the afternoon I was exhausted. All the work I had done, or attempted to do, took a huge toll on this little brain of mine and I couldn’t go on. Late afternoon I had to crawl in the bed and call Maurice to tell him to wake me up when he got home from work. I was in a good deep sleep when he got home, so I was pissed, but it was exactly what I asked him to do. I bitched for 30 seconds and got on with my evening.
A Feeling I Haven’t Had In A Very Long Time
I got sober in December, 2003. It was a long ass road that’s hard to describe to those who haven’t gone through it. One thing though, not since very early in my sobriety do I recall wanting to take a drink.
It wasn’t easy. I became homeless for awhile, I’d been suicidal, I considered running away and taking on a new identity. I considered many things but I don’t recall wanting to take a drink. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not delusional. I’m sure sometime during the past 17 years I’ve wanted to take a belt, or 50, but I don’t remember them.
This weekend I was shaking. I was tired of being sick and tired and I really wanted a drink. Normally I would have gone to an AA meeting where I’d be safe and could share what I was experiencing. Since the pandemic started the meetings have all gone virtual and I knew it wouldn’t feel the same. I could have called friends who are sober, but I didn’t want to hear what they had so say. I knew exactly what they’d say and I didn’t want to hear it.
How did I protect myself? I told Maurice what I was feeling. I shared with him how badly I wanted something to get me out of my head. I believed it would make me feel safe and it did. He was there to ensure I didn’t walk out the door and go to the pharmacy five doors down from us. Why do they sell alcohol at pharmacies? Anyway, I digress. I know the smart thing would have been to have called a friend as well, but I made it through it. The feeling is gone and I’m moving forward. I didn’t following all the things I had learned in AA, but I did the next best thing. I guess I’ll eventually forget that moment like I probably forgot the others during my recovery, but I’ll continue to stay vigilant. It is no exaggeration to say AA saved my life, and I don’t want to fuck that up now.
Sorry About the Dessert, Hun
The first words I heard from Maurice’s mouth this morning were, “I was so angry with you.” I was shocked and not looking forward to hearing what I had done. He told me while he went to the bathroom I had the wait staff throw away his large piece of carrot cake. We haven’t been to a restaurant since the pandemic hit. It was all a dream, but it looks like I’ll have to run out somewhere and get a slice to go for him. He obviously misses it.
That’s all the news I have for today. I’m a little uneasy, but I look forward to getting back to work and write today. I don’t know how much I’ll accomplish, but I’ll do the best I can and be ready to accept whatever the results are.
As of right now it feels like its going to be a kickass day.
Great to read real life raw stuff, Brad. We all need to show we are human. My heart bleeds for you, especially when I go through so much of the same stuff myself. Keep strong. Maurice deserves a medal, as do you. You deserve each other, but in the best possible way ♥
Thank you, Garrick. I had no problem writing this blog in the past. I’ve been a guest and won awards from several big blogs and was even featured twice on Sanjay Gupta’s website. You Australian’s probably don’t know who he is. He’s a psychiatric guy who is frequently interviewed by one, maybe more, of the major networks.
Anyway, my point is not to brag, but to demonstrate that I never held back in the past. My goal was to break the stigma and shame. Now that I’ve written a couple of books and a lot of people know me who I will never meet, I’ve been reluctant to share as much. I didn’t want to be viewed as weird and have it affect my book sales. What does that mean? Obviously, I haven’t moved past the stigma and shame myself. It’s likely a lifelong process just like coming out as gay. I’ll continue doing what I’m doing and be as honest as can be. Even though I share this blog with the world, in the end, I do it for myself.