Saturday was our tenth wedding anniversary. Maurice had to work long hours and I parked my ass at Starbucks to get some writing done. I felt abnormal all day, but wasn’t quite sure what was wrong. Looking back now the answer is obvious. I think I knew, but refused to accept the light-headedness and shaking were happening. Oh hell, I didn’t think I knew – I knew for sure, but hoped it’d go away.
9 pm hit, Maurice finally got his work done and we went out for an anniversary dinner. I could still feel it coming on, but was able to keep a grip and act as if everything was normal. When we got home I told Maurice I was worn out and needed to lay down for awhile. I was succeeding at keeping everything under control until minutes after midnight and all hell broke loose.
I tried to walk myself to the kitchen while Maurice was in the other room, but he caught me in action. He immediately knew what was wrong and I completely collapsed into his arms. After a few moments I told him I needed to go to the kitchen and wanted to get there by myself. I believed the more normal I acted, the more normal things would seem. I was still shaky, but made it to the kitchen, grabbed my water bottle, poured my pills on the counter and stared at them. That’s right, I just stared. Every time I reached for one my hand would shake violently. I’d give up, take some deep breaths and tried again…and again…and again. Finally I couldn’t try any longer because my knees buckled, I began shaking violently again and burst into tears. Fortunately I was able catch myself on the countertop or I would have hit the floor. Maurice ran to the kitchen, grabbed me and held me against his chest while I cried heavily. By the time I was done his shirt was drenched. It took some effort, but I convinced him to go sit down so I could continue my attempt to act normal. I took my pills, slowly walked to my seat in front of my laptop, and turned it on. I needed to feel some basic stimulation so I started typing this post and asked Maurice to bring me a some mango. The typing and the delicious taste of the sweet mango helped bring me back into reality. I’m still shaky, my head is very foggy, and I doubt this post is coherent, but they’re helping.
All week I’ve tried unsuccessfully to come up with ideas to write about, but nothing came to mind until this happened. SHIT! This is about the last thing I wanted to have happen.
The one positive is that I was able to make it past midnight, so I can at least say nothing happened on our anniversary.
Maurice just asked how I’m feeling and I told him I’m starting to feel normal. I argued when he told me that what I was going through was normal. I continued to protest but compromised when I agreed the randomness is normal – whatever the hell that means. LOL
Thank you for reading this disjointed mess. It may be a wreck to read, but it sure as hell helped to write. I hope this won’t be the subject again for a long time.