Saturday was our tenth wedding anniversary. Maurice had to work long hours and I parked my ass at Starbucks to get some writing done. I felt abnormal all day, but wasn’t quite sure what was wrong. Looking back now the answer is obvious. I think I knew, but refused to accept the light-headedness and shaking were happening. Oh hell, I didn’t think I knew – I knew for sure, but hoped it’d go away.

9 pm hit, Maurice finally got his work done and we went out for an anniversary dinner. I could still feel it coming on, but was able to keep a grip and act as if everything was normal. When we got home I told Maurice I was worn out and needed to lay down for awhile. I was succeeding at keeping everything under control until minutes after midnight and all hell broke loose.


I tried to walk myself to the kitchen while Maurice was in the other room, but he caught me in action. He immediately knew what was wrong and I completely collapsed into his arms. After a few moments I told him I needed to go to the kitchen and wanted to get there by myself. I believed the more normal I acted, the more normal things would seem. I was still shaky, but made it to the kitchen, grabbed my water bottle, poured my pills on the counter and stared at them. That’s right, I just stared. Every time I reached for one my hand would shake violently. I’d give up, take some deep breaths and tried again…and again…and again. Finally I couldn’t try any longer because my knees buckled, I began shaking violently again and burst into tears. Fortunately I was able catch myself on the countertop or I would have hit the floor. Maurice ran to the kitchen, grabbed me and held me against his chest while I cried heavily. By the time I was done his shirt was drenched. It took some effort, but I convinced him to go sit down so I could continue my attempt to act normal. I took my pills, slowly walked to my seat in front of my laptop, and turned it on. I needed to feel some basic stimulation so I started typing this post and asked Maurice to bring me a some mango. The typing and the delicious taste of the sweet mango helped bring me back into reality. I’m still shaky, my head is very foggy, and I doubt this post is coherent, but they’re helping.

All week I’ve tried unsuccessfully to come up with ideas to write about, but nothing came to mind until this happened. SHIT! This is about the last thing I wanted to have happen.

The one positive is that I was able to make it past midnight, so I can at least say nothing happened on our anniversary.

Maurice just asked how I’m feeling and I told him I’m starting to feel normal. I argued when he told me that what I was going through was normal. I continued to protest but compromised when I agreed the randomness is normal – whatever the hell that means. LOL

Thank you for reading this disjointed mess. It may be a wreck to read, but it sure as hell helped to write. I hope this won’t be the subject again for a long time.

21 comments on DAMN! DAMN! DAMN!

  1. I’ve been concerned. I try to hide my anxiety, my wanting to jump out of my skin, my electric brain. I’m so glad you share your experience. I don’t feel quite so alone.

    1. One of my goals with this blog is to help people understand they are not alone. I’m glad it helps you.

  2. My heart & good thoughts are with you. I wish I could be your support system.

  3. Oh I feel for you. So sorry this happened — always the most random and inopportune times, am I right? Thanks for sharing, because it’s so good to know we’re not alone. All those things you feel, I feel, too.

  4. Hi Bradly! Happy 10th Anniversary. I’m not sure I understand. Are the physical symptoms related to Bi-Polar illness or med side effects? I’m familiar with the experience of derealization but not of this kind.

    1. Hi Robert. I didn’t detail in this post my derealization episodes as well as I have in other posts. In almost all my episodes I become terrified that nothing around me is real. I just stand in fear unable to touch anything because my hand will go through it and prove my fears. Sometimes I become exhausted and allow myself to fall onto the bed accepting my fate. You’d think feeling the bed would end the episode, but it doesn’t. I just lie there refusing to touch anything else. It’s as if I lived in the Matrix.

      What I was able to do this time that I normally can’t do is walk across a room. I had to repeat to myself over and over that “it’s just a door, it’s just a door…” then “it’s just the back of a chair, it’s just the back of a chair…” My hands shake horribly and when I’m near touching something, I quickly pull my hand away numerous times before grabbing what I’m reaching for. As I said, you’d think with each thing I touch that it’d be easier than the last, but it’s not. That’s how Maurice knew what was going on. It looked like I could barely move, as if I was walking through wet cement.

      The reason I burst into tears was because Maurice walked me into the kitchen to take my meds, yet I still was unable to take the risk and touch them. I stood in disbelief that I it was still happening. That’s when I collapsed and caught myself on the counter.

      I did have a recent med change, but this has been going on for many years, sometimes with long gaps between episodes. My meds rarely ever are changed.

      I hope that makes more sense. I’m glad you popped in to comment. I always appreciate it when you stop by.

      1. Prior to the AIDS epidemic I did not have florid DID. I had ’bouts’ of what I thought was depression every six to eight months. When I realized AIDS was ‘real’ I began to have panic attacks like the ones you described. I would be at a meeting at my job, get up to get a cup of coffee and then become immobilized with the fear of spilling it everywhere. Then my hands would tremble and I’d have a full on panic attack.

        I’m glad I stopped by. My Sister’s death knocked me down and Trump is a horrible trigger.

        As far as I’m concerened the entire nation is being psychologically abused by a sadistic foreign tyrant and his puppet in Washington.

        But I can’t stop Trump by obsessively reading every last piece of news I can find.

        Thanks for giving me a reply.

  5. First, a belated Happy Anniversary to you both! I remember it like it was yesterday. Thank you for letting me share that special day. Second, thank you to whoever is responsible for sending you Maurice!!! He’s been your savioir so many times. And he’s been your rock! Don’t ever let him go.

    1. It was a great day and I’m glad you were there. Don’t worry. I know he’s a godsend and I’m never letting go.

  6. I’m so sorry this has happened to you again. It’s so upsetting. I know an experience that frightened me like that could very likely trigger a mood swing. Hopefully, that won’t happen to you. I hope a solution can be found so you don’t have to suffer through these episodes anymore.

    1. I hope it won’t cause a mood swing either. I think I’m going to be okay. Looking forward to my next meeting with my pdoc. Hopefully we can come up with some solutions.

  7. I am so glad you and I have connected. You write with courage and share with strength. And doing that can show others what it is like inside this often unreal and yet very real world we live in. One of my Facebook “friends” is a person who lives with Depressive illness, was on medication for a time and is now off it (still in treatment and will return to medication if necessary, no question) is Joey Pantoliano. Since becoming aware of Depression as an illness he has become one of the stigma busters in the world. He´s an actor and I grin whenever anyone mentions the Matrix. I don´t think he realizes (or maybe he does and just has a complete cognizant dissonance) how often his voice runs through our heads. You know Joey…”I shoulda taken the Red Pill”. He was Cypher …such a meany 🙂 Keep in mind that the solstice can and does trigger a major event in many people. That increase in daylight is not something to be scoffed at. And our biological clocks, as has been discovered is not solely in our brain chemistry but literally programmed into every cell in our body. Hoping some changes in your future may alleviate some of the issues and you find it as positive as I have over the past 9 years. I would like to test my theory on more than just myself. Plus I do like Bear hugs. See you soon! .

    1. Yes, he was deliciously evil in the Matrix. Thank you for your comments. Being honest and real is all I know, at least in regards to having bipolar. Reaching out to others with BP and their families is my primary goal with this blog. This time of year is typically a good time for me, but not this time around. I like the extended daylight, but my anxiety and depersonalization have been in overdrive. I hope it ends soon.

      I’m very happy we’ve connected and look forward to getting to know you better.

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