I promised myself that I’d post around twice a week – not doing too well on that promise. It’s been two months since my last post. My head isn’t in a space to write in my usual manner, so I’ll just list what’s going on in a half hazard way.
I’ve started working for the first time in ten years. It’s just a few hours each week for a friend who does website and graphic design, but it’s a start, though it’s a struggle.
My writer’s group has taken over a big part of my life. Bigger than I should allow. .
I’m in the midst of a three-week vacation from the novel while I take an assessment of the direction its going. I’d outlined it to go one direction, yet my writing took it another. I’m not backing up or starting over again. I’m just working on where to go from here.
I’ve been wallowing in self-pity a lot. Asking myself why I have to live with bipolar. Asking why things that should be easy, like working for a friend a few hours a week, can’t be easy. Other things that have made me sad include:
- The embarrassment of waiting at a bus stop knowing friends see me as they drive past.
- Why weight has been, and continues to be, a big problem for me.
- Living in fear that our current government will succeed in their desire to end Social Security Disability. Their plan is to put everyone back to work, which makes no goddamn sense since the reason I receive disability is because I can’t work.
- Simple church activities have gotten to be too much and I’m going to have to meet with my minister and cut back on volunteer work I’ve been doing and recently agreed to. This is not the first time I’ve mentioned this here, but it’s reached the point that I can’t ignore it.
- I continue to grow more disillusioned with my country every day, and I’m frustrated I can’t just leave.
- I still freak out if I have three or more things scheduled during a week and lately I’ve been regularly having more than three.
My neurosurgeon has determined I do not need surgery to fix the numbness and pain in my arm and hand. There are some disks in my spine that are touching due to calcium build-up, but none are disks that would affect the nerves that are causing trouble. He gave me some basic exercises to help my hand and arm, and says the calcium build-up does not require any treatment.
My neurosurgeon agrees with my previous one that the tumor in my head is benign and does not appear to be growing. Unlike my previous neurosurgeon, he is concerned about the possibility of growth because it is in a dangerous location. I will be scheduled for new MRI’s every 6 – 12 mos. to track any changes.
I had my first public dissociative episode for the first time in a very long while. It was at the supermarket in the produce section. I caught it and Maurice saw it just as it was beginning and I was forced to run out of the store. I stayed outside until it settled enough for me to function and go home.
I had much more to go over, but my memory fails me today. So here’s all that came to mind in a chaotic way. Hopefully I can post something a bit more coherent in a few days.