The Way it Was
I remember when I started this blog. I was a mess. My only task was to live day to day. The rare times I did venture out of my home I confused easily. One day I was on a trip via bus that required I transfer from one bus to the other. I became disoriented and lost and Maurice had to drive around and look for me based on landmarks I gave him. After that incident both my pdoc and my therapist convinced me I should not be taking the bus at all, even if it was a straight route with no transfer.
Another incident involved getting lost in a movie theater. I stepped out of the movie to use the restroom and when I was done I was confused. I wandered up and down the hall trying to figure out where to go to get back to our theater. After pacing back and forth I gave up, sat on a bench and cried. I’m not talking about tears welling up in my eyes – it was a full on breakdown. I was terrified. Eventually I regained my composure and found the theater, but I still see that incident as one of the most tragic events in my recovery.
The Short List
It reached the point that I had to create a short list. I’ve mentioned the short list many times, but for those new to this blog, the list is made up of things that I must do each day. Items on there are as basic as:
Get outside (even if just to the mailbox.)
That was it. Those were all I needed to do to fulfill my day. If I couldn’t complete what was on the list, then the list was probably too long. Shortening it for the next day was an option. Finishing it was a major accomplishment.
While I’m far from being fully functional these days, I am balanced more often than unbalanced. I am able to take on more difficult tasks. I have changed to a list that I now refer to as big boy problems. An example of big boy items is resolving problems with the IRS. The last agent I met a few years back advised me that my payments are so low that they classify me as having no income at all. However, she did say I have a lot of messes to clean up because of all the years that I didn’t file when I should. The taxes are just one of the big boy problems I have to resolve.
My List of Big Boy Problems
Here is the current list of things I need to do and it seems daunting. I’m scared because I see only the big picture and it’s paralyzing. I need to train myself on taking care of one item at a time and accept that taking lots of small steps will get rid of the problems quicker than focusing on the big problems all together. Anyway, here is my list of big boy problems which must be done:
Arrange trip to visit daughter in Midwest
Have scrap metal company take away refrigerator
Clear out dining table to open up space in kitchen
Have old chairs removed and clear out living room for new furniture
Paint living room
Have new furniture delivered
Get a tax attorney to clear up past California and Federal taxes
Plan San Francisco trip for Maurice and me
Finalize financial aid for school
Purchase textbooks for school
Prepare for school starting in September
Clear up possible warrants for not showing up for jury duty
Go to driving school
Take written drivers exam
Complete driving test
The list doesn’t seem long, but there’s some pretty heavy duty items to take care of. I’ve already taken a few small steps, but I haven’t come close to completing a single one of my tasks. My goal for next week is to start on it and get something accomplished. Just completing one of the tasks will help to lift my spirits.
What about you? Have you taken on some big boy problems, or big girl problems that you were finally able to tackle?