It’s time for another Throwback Thursday. This week I reached into the vault and pulled out a gem originally posted June 30, 2008. It was titled “I am NOT Okay.
I hear it all the time, “I’m glad to see you are much better.” “How are you doing?” “You look so much better today” etc. etc. etc.
I’ve got news for you folks…I’m NOT better. OK, maybe I am from a few months ago, but unless they come up with a cure I will have bipolar disorder until the day I die.
- Want to know how I’m doing? Let’s talk about the moments I’m so depressed that for no reason I break into tears.
- I look great don’t I? Well, let me share the days that I’m so manic that I’m going crazy around the house, absolutely exhausted but feel unable to stop myself and rest.
- You’re glad I’m all better now? How about I tell you about the moments I step away quietly so that you don’t see me shaking so badly that I look like I’m insane, or need to get my composure before I can continue to put on a smile.
The thing that drives me most about all this is that I know their concern is sincere. I know they truly care. If I didn’t believe that it would be much easier because then I could slap them and say “Shut the hell up!” But I can’t do that. It is nice to have people who care, but it’s hard to accept they’ll never understand.
I realize I’m not sounding very wacky or silly today, but I go through this every week, especially on Sunday when I’m at church. I smile and say “I’m doing ok” and see the odd looks on peoples faces implying to me that they don’t get it. I certainly seem well to them.
Part of my lack of humor is the shakes I’m still having. I spoke with my pdoc about it and we changed my meds, as I said, and are waiting for the change to come in. Until then, I’m dropping things, I can’t stop, I catch myself falling down, etc. It is not a pleasant experience. Hopefully it gets better soon.