It Started Off Well

Yesterday started off well. I felt great when I wrote the blog and was read to seize the day, and I did…for awhile. I did get a little writing in, but I can’t say how much. I forgot to note how many words I had when I started.

The burst out of the gate took a better part of the morning and then things started slowing down. My head started slowing down. The entire world started slowing down…and I couldn’t write anymore.

Oh, I got stuff done. I use a writing software called Scrivener. Now I love Scrivener a lot. It’s far easier to organize and work with than Word, and it’s very cheap for all you get. Well, two years ago Scrivener announced an upgrade that fell through. They are still working on it and after missing two deadlines they’ve announced they will no longer give release dates until they’re absolutely sure. After their big flubs, I don’t blame them. The problem is that it’s been almost a year since they’ve made any public announcement whatsoever. I use the beta version and it’s great, but apparently people are still having enough challenges that they don’t want to release it. That’s all well and good.

The problem is I started an exchange with the founder of the company regarding their lack of communication with their customers. I’ll spare the details other than to say I know what’s going on because I follow the beta posts in the forums, where 99% of their customers would never go. I suggested they were seriously providing poor service to those 99% who have been waiting.

This exchange was never nasty. It was quite polite actually, but we debated back and forth to the point it took way more of my time than was necessary. I ended the conversation by telling him it was his company and I was simply offering a suggestion. He responded back that I may have a point.

Done with that huge waste of time.

Then I got on Twitter. (I spend a minimal amount of time on Facebook these days) I usually post a few things on Twitter each day. Some get no responses, some get a few, maybe a dozen, maybe a hundred. There are those rare occasions where I say something, the simplest of things, and get huge responses. That’s what happened yesterday.

All I did was make a nasty post about Donald Trump. It was nothing profound or even interesting. For whatever reason, it exploded. I got 1.5k likes and over 300 retweets. 64 people chose to comment on what I said. I can’t tell you much about it. From what I read, many cheered me on, while many called me every name in the book. The bravos are nice, but I learned log ago to never engage on Twitter with a Trump supporter unless I want to get into a very ugly, useless battle. I chose to stop reading the comments, but continued to check periodically to see how many more likes I got.

Done with that huge waste of time.

I should have gone back to writing at this stage, but I was lost. My head was in a fog and I was back to the state of being unable to concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes.

I did start taking an online course I purchased. It was on sale. I listened to the introduction and bits and pieces of various courses, but didn’t focus enough to learn anything at all.

Done with that huge waste of time.

I could go on, but you get the point. Here I started a day where I was excited and thought I’d be able to focus, but it didn’t last long. It was a start, but not long enough to make me happy.

Pondering About Being There

As usual at this point, I logged in and started researching the cost of apartments in the different barrios in Montevideo, Uruguay. I also looked into the cost of minimal appliances and furniture. Mercado Libre is their version of Amazon. They sell everything. Knowing the cost of many items are expensive there, I wanted to have an idea what we can expect. Our furniture and appliances here aren’t worth the shipping cost.

Remember, I have never been to Uruguay. I don’t know if I’ll ever move to Uruguay. If I move to Uruguay, I don’t know what city I’ll live in. Yet, I spend hours researching this stuff. Why? Is it because I’m so desperate to leave the U.S.? I would like to for many reasons, including it simply being an adventure, but that’s not the reason. The reason I Uruguay spends so much time in my head is because it allows me to get everything else out of my head. The world goes away and my eyes, and mind, dart endlessly at a million things around the web.

After all that research, what do I know? I know that Pocitos is a barrio I’d most likely want to live, but cuidad viejo and el centro are two other nice options. I can even tell you the cost difference of apartments between each of them.

What about appliances? I looked at refrigerators, stoves, washing machines, couches, beds, etc. etc. etc. Can I tell you what any of that costs? Hell no. None of that is nearly as sexy as looking at places to live so that information leaves my mind as soon as I click a new tab.

Focusing on Other Things

I have considered setting some kind of parental block on my pc that won’t allow me to go to any website that has Uruguay in the name, but I don’t because that’s not the problem. If I do that, I’ll find something else to fixate on. It’s the need to get out of my head that’s the problem. Or, I’m not sure that’s it. It’s not that I’m sitting here full of dread, with negative thoughts of the world and myself at all. Sure, I do a little of that, but it’s mostly my inability to focus.

For those who may not have bipolar, or mania, or depression, or some other form of mental illness, this may all sound ridiculous. “Just sit down and do it, dammit!” Hell, I wish it was so easy. The just “sit down and do it, dammit” attitude results in me staring at a blank screen doing absolutely nothing, at best.


Anyway, this is turning a lot darker than I want it to be. Unlike in the past, I’m not in deep dark despair. Unfortunately, it’s times like this that can cause me to spin in deep dark despair. I’m doing everything I can to avoid that.

After starting this post early this morning, I fell asleep. It’s now almost noon, I haven’t eaten, showered, taken my meds, or anything. I was supposed to record a few minutes for the podcast this afternoon, but I put that off until later this week.

So as not to bore you with what feels like rambling, I’m going to head off. I’ve got all the things in the last paragraph to do and then I’m going to open up Scrivener and write. If all I can do is stare at the screen, then fine. I’ll stare at it long enough for some ideas come to me and jot them down.

Time for a very late start in my day. Enjoy the rest of yours.


I did watch two episodes of The Walking Dead last night. That was a nice escape. You see, I had to get zombies in there somewhere.

4 comments on It Started Off Well

  1. Oh Brad, my heart aches with you when I read what’s going on. I’m still around for you buddy whenever you want to chat ♥

    1. It’s all good. I didn’t mean to make it sounds so negative. I mean, it’s not great to be spinning and unable to concentrate, but its better than being under the covers unable to come out of bed.

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