Moving Up and Feeling Down

And so the weight gain continues (sigh).  To rehash my story, when I first started on this weight loss ordeal I weighed 303 pounds.  I couldn’t wear green clothes at the time because people would mistake me for Jabba the Hut.  I’d pretty much always been overweight, but once I got on bipolar meds my weight skyrocketed.  Nearly every med I was taking had weight gain as a side effect and, unfortunately, I learned that the hard way.  Refusing to have gastric bypass surgery, as my doctor recommended, I chose to join Weight Watchers instead.  What an excellent program.

scaleWhile on Weight Watchers I lost a total of 90 pounds and became thoroughly bathed in compliments on how good I looked.   Just 10 lbs from reaching the 100 lbs mark,  I couldn’t wait to celebrate such a huge milestone, but unfortunately that’s where I stopped.  I stopped at 90 lbs and for a short time that’s where I stayed.  My WW leader asked if I was self sabotaging.  I didn’t think so, at least not on a conscious level.  Then, the unthinkable happened…I started gaining.  Just a little here and a little there.  Each week at weigh-in I would gain and the person at the scale would say “Oh, that’s not so bad,” and they were right.  The amount I gained each week wasn’t so bad.  Unfortunately, when you get a string of “not so bads” you end up with “oh, so bad.”  That’s where I am today.  Feeling so bad.

Week after week I gained.  As an example, from the beginning of November until today I gained 5 1/2 pounds.  Overall, since that 90 pound loss I have gained 38 pounds back.  I’ve gone from 213 back up to 251.  (another sigh).  Today someone asked me when I was going to go back to Weight Watchers.  I wanted to say “I never stopped going you rude, insensitive asshole!” but I stayed calm and politely said, “I never stopped going, I just haven’t been following the program.”  Which is the truth.  It’s not their problem, it’s mine.  I haven’t done the very simple things that they have taught me.

So now I’m at 251 and ready to throw myself back into the program.  I have to.  I gave all my larger clothes to Goodwill and swore I would never buy a larger size again.  Thankfully, my smaller sized clothes still fit me.  Oh, hell yes, they’re tight, but they still fit me.

The most frustrating part off the weight  gain is the meds.  I take a total of 6 pills each day.  4 of the pills are primarily for my bipolar disorder and all are weight gainers.  The other 2 pills I take help with the bipolar, but they also prevent seizures, which I am prone to.  Of those 2 pills, 1 of them says they may cause weight gain OR weight loss (huh?)  The final pill is my favorite because one of its side effects is weight loss.  As you can see, regarding meds, the odds are stacked against me.

What does all this mean?  Well, the meds aren’t going away so, once again, I need to get back on the program, and accept this must be a lifelong plan.

I did it once, so I know I can do it again.  I expect the next weight update I give you will be more positive.

8 comments on Moving Up and Feeling Down

    1. You’re absolutely right, Nav. Just doing it is the only way I can do it. I feel more positive about it than I have over the past few months. Maybe it has something to do with the new year.

  1. I’ve never known what it’s like to battle with my weight….until now. I can appreciate how low it makes you feel. The meds – from experience – don’t help and sometimes I wonder if I’d gain weight even if I was eating and exercising the same. You accept responsibility and seem to know where you are going wrong….that’s probably more than half the battle won. Sometimes, we are too hard on ourselves. Best wishes for the new year, Bradley

  2. Oh Bradley I am right “up” with you there on this one. I am able to lose copious amounts of weight but am also winner of the all time, who can gain fastest award!!! Just when I was about to say, hey this is easy! LOL It’s sometimes like a runaway train that all I can do is watch hopelessly and other times I am so in control I feel like I also have OCD. I also got rid of my 200 plus pounds clothes but, like you, reached just shy of my goal and now am afraid to get on the scale, stupid I know but it is a very emotional thing. I can’t imagine what it would be like not to have to worry about my weight. Just another of my personal crosses to bear and the meds don’t make it any easier that’s for sure. Hang in the doll, I am sure the tide will turn again as I am hoping it will do for me. Just know you are so not alone in this! Hugs….Patti

    1. “winner of the all time, who can gain fastest award” we might have to fight over this honor. Watching hopelessly are the words that caught my eye. I know exactly what I’m suppose to do, yet don’t do them and I stand there watching hopelessly at what I’m doing and feeling helpless as a puppy. Big bear hugs back at you.

  3. Classic, the Battle of the Bulge. I, too, am on many weight gaining drugs. I know they’re not going away, and I have to do something else to counteract the creeping scale. Good for you, doing something about it. You’ll get there!

    1. I’ve seen people go off their meds suddenly as a result of the weight gain. The results were disastrous. Hope on the weight loss train and join me, Rose.

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