My World Gets Bigger and Bigger

I’m grateful for the meds I take that are making me a more productive member of society.  On the other hand, they keep taking me away from my safety zone.  As miserable as I was during my major bouts of depression at least my world was small.  I only had to worry about the world in my tiny apartment.  Getting sleep, eating, watching tv when I could.  Hell, I didn’t even worry about the bills.  I would just toss them into the bottom drawer of my dresser to wait for another day.

Today my world is bigger and brighter…and scary as hell.  Dammit, I have to be responsible.  I really don’t have that much on my plate, but it sure feels that way.  The things I have going on are:

  • Getting the apartment cleaned up because we’ll have a guest over tomorrow night
  • Having that guest over tomorrow night
  • Completing a committee report for church that was due last week
  • Finish writing a sermon that I will be doing next month
  • Choosing the correct music for the sermon I’ll be doing next month
  • Continue over the next 8 weeks the class I’m taking at school
  • Find the best way (lowest cost) to purchase my textbook

To the average bear this probably doesn’t look like much, but it hangs heavy on me.  Sadly there is another component that is making this a much harder load than it should be; I had a talk last night, with my ex wife, regarding my daughters visitation.  The positive is that there was no battle, no explosions, no screaming, no name calling.  The conversation was amazingly civil, but, we did not come to an agreement.  When it comes to my daughter I generally write very little.  Partially for her safety and partially out of respect for her mother.  Therefore, I won’t go into detail other than to say the discussion didn’t go my way and my heart hangs heavy.

It’s times like this that I wish I could close the blinds and curl up here in my tiny apartment and keep my world small.  Sadly, that’s just not an option anymore.

7 comments on My World Gets Bigger and Bigger

  1. I’m sorry things didn’t go well with the discussion regarding your daughter and I completely understand your need for discretion in these matters. I hope things change for the better. I can also totally relate to feeling overwhelmed even when the “to do” list seems pretty scant. Improvement comes slowly…as I’m sure you well know…so cut yourself some slack and take it one item at a time. And put taking care of you on that list too.

    1. “And put taking care of you on that list too” Thank you for the reminder. I do tend to forget that.

  2. Brad, my heart is heavy for you as well. I don’t know of anything that can weigh more heavily, in fact, than issues about our children. I will hold you in my thoughts with care. I, too, am grateful for the balance I’ve finally achieved with my meds and am thrilled to be feeling like myself again after so very long. Thank you for your support in that regard. Hope to talk to you soon. You’ll get everything done. One step at a time. 🙂

  3. Brad, I feel your pain. I, too, used to ignore the world and everything in it, and now that there is stability, there is also responsibility. I can’t keep my house clean to save my life, and that’s my biggest struggle right now. I find that things tend to work themselves out, and as a child of divorced parents, I can say that will also work itself out over time, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. Hang in there!

    1. You hit the nail on the head, Rose. It’s the responsibility that makes it so difficult. Not easy to adapt to after years of not accepting any responsibility.

  4. Take one small step at a time my friend. I often feel overwhelmed myself and if I can remember this saying, things go a lot better. You are doing great even if sometimes you don’t think so. That “to do” list is major, don’t minimize it. You are accomplishing so much.

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