Too frequently I’m asked when I became gay. It’s kind of a silly question, unless you don’t believe people are born gay, which is pretty silly of its own. I mean, I had a hard enough time feeling different, the last thing I needed was one more thing. A better question I’m asked is “when did you first know you were gay?” Now, I have no problem with that question. My answer to it is always the same…”When didn’t I know?” I guess you could say I was sexually precocious.
Being the youngest in the family, my sisters are 15 years older than me. I was admiring their boyfriends when I was about 7 or 8. I had no idea why, I just knew I didn’t want to feel that way. I knew my family would think it was wrong, so I made sure no one saw me looking. Later, I figured out that looking at men wasn’t wrong. It was, in fact, an incredibly fun sport. But we’ll get to that.
I never felt comfortable around the boys in my neighborhood. I rarely played with them. But, I played with the girls all the time and sometimes with their dolls. (Here I was being different again.) It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say the boys scared me. They sometimes seemed mean and I’m not referring to me, but mean in general. They also played sports which was definitely not something I was the least bit interested in. I did, however, do basketball camp twice and did pretty well. Thankfully I was better at shooting than dribbling.
One day I did hang out with two boys, Aaron and Michael and Michael pulled out one his fathers Playboy magazines. They were oohing and aahing over the pictures, while I was completely bored. Of course, I couldn’t let them know that, so I had to act all googly eyed about it too. Ok, Ok, I’ll admit, I wasn’t bored. I was disgusted.
When I reached my preteens I started to have a better understanding of what I was feeling. I had more boy friends. This was the time that lust started showing it’s head. Now, I really knew hated what I was feeling. What do I do about it? What if someone found out? I wanted to touch the other boys. When I did, such as when we were playing around, I would feel a tingle through my body. I don’t remember feeling it was wrong, but it scared me. I was scared of how people would react, of getting hurt. The last thing I needed was to be even more different than I was. I didn’t want to be more of an outsider. I hated having the feelings I did.
After elementary school my family moved to the good ‘ol boys state of North Carolina. You’d have expected this to be absolute hell for me, but most of all it wasn’t. I’ll keep you on the edge of your seat until tomorrow for the nail biting conclusion.
10 comments on So Pretty, and Witty, and Gay – Part I
@WW Good point about asking when someone figured out they were heterosexual. I’m just happy they are seeking to understand, though. There’s still a lot of ignorance out there.
Dear Bradley,What a brave and illuminating post! It must be difficult when people ask, “When did you become gay?” rather than “When did you first know you were gay?” But, perhaps when people read your post, they’ll become more sensitive to their friends–should they feel the need to ask either question, which I find somewhat curious.I mean, no one asks me, “When did you know you were heterosexual?”Susan
More insights into my friend. thanks.
This is a wonderful post. I happen to think that it is very rude to ask anyone about their sexual orientation. No one asks heterosexuals when they knew tthat they were attracted to the opposite sex. It is great that you are so open to educating people, and I look forward to reading more. Take care:)
I love the title of your blog–because I was wondering today “how is bradley?” lolThis is a great post, thanks for sharing, and I love how you’re keeping us all waiting for the next part! 😛
I love it….excellent post…Very informative for those who still believe one “turns” gay…
Bradley!!! Come back here and finish! I need the rest of the story. You lured me in with showtunes, which I love, btw, and drew me in further with your amazing storytelling ability and then… TO BE CONTINUED… :PI’m glad you are who you are! and… I’m glad you are ok within your own skin. Man… life is so hard… conquering those 2 things can make life so much easier. Just my 2 cents.
Hi Bradley — Thanks for lighting a candle to dispel the rudeness and ignorance! Love your blog, your sense of humor and your attitude.
@Angel One thing I love about blogging is the ability to educate people and help them understand. Most people I’ve found are only ignorant about homosexuality and not usually aggressive towards it.@leet Thank you for the compliment about my site. However, because you charge for your paintings I didn’t feel comfortable leaving your post here.@Stephany If you like being kept in suspense, just wait because todays post will likely only be part II and not the conclusion after all. @dani Thank you. Big hugs as always.@Kimala You mentioned show tunes but don’t forget I worked to make you understand that ABBA is all that and a bag of chips. Sorry to keep you in suspense but bwahaha.
Thanks for sharing an interesting part of your past with us. I remember my mom busting me with a Playboy in my room and her saying,”I have the same things they do.”I thought that was the funniest thing I had ever heard and could not stop laughing. She just shook her head and walked out.My dad came home and said to let him see it. I obliged, he looked for awhile. He smiled, gave it back and told me to be nice to Mom.Different era man…..