I received an update letter in the mail that asked a short series of very simple questions. Or, most of them were simple except for two of them. They are:
1. Have you attended any school or work study program?
2. Have you discussed with your doctor whether you can work or not?
That’s it. Those two questions have terrified the shit out of me since I first read them. I wasn’t sure what to say. Here are answers:
1.Yes I have attended school
2. Yes, my doctor and I have discussed whether or not I can return to work (both of my doctors have said no.)
What had me freaked was how can I justify going back to school yet not be able to work? If I can do one, then I should be able to do te other…correct?
Wednesday my therapist pointed it out simply by saying “No, I don’t think you can return to work. I encouraged you to take classes and your number of withdrawals and poor grades have been a good gauge to determine that you are just not ready yet.” He told me to just fill out the form, send it in and don’t worry about it. He then continued with “The worse that can happen is they put you under review, which means they’ll talk with me and review your notes with me, which will show you aren’t ready yet.”
I’m going to take the form with me to my appointment with my pdoc today. I’ll bring up the same fears/questions. I already know from previous conversations that he’ll say the exact same thing as my therapist.
So, what am I so worked up about? Two things actually. First, that even though I’ll get assurances from both my doctors and both have told me they are not going to allow me to go back to work before my time, I still worry I’ll get cut from the program. Now, these are two very intelligent men who have dealt with this many, many times before, yet I’m still scared shitless by this letter.
Secondly, and this is the ridiculous one…what the hell do they mean that I’m not ready yet? Am I still too sick? Am I still crazy enough that I won’t be able to keep a job? Apparently so, according to them. Hrumph
Why do I do this to myself? Why the hell do I beat the crap out of myself over shit like this? Oh, I don’t know….maybe because I’m bipolar? Yeah, that’s probably it.