It’s back again…or did it ever leave? I’m talking about that mix of anxiety and depression that flows through my veins. A couple of months ago I mentioned it never goes away and, yep, it’s still here. It’s not in my veins, actually. It feels more like there’s a second layer of skin directly beneath my top layer that holds, nurses and caresses my depression and anxiety. Its had its grasp on me my entire life and for some reason it is becoming more and more apparent. I don’t know why. Even at my happiest times, when I’m talking, when I’m laughing, when I’m playing there’s this thing that holds on and refuses to let me just let myself go and have a fantastic time.
It feels like it’s always moving, flowing along beneath the surface. Is it the physical nursing the mental, or is it the mental nursing the physical? They are so intertwined that it’s impossible to tell. What I wouldn’t give for just one day that neither had their hold on me. It’s so exhausting.
I think I need to go to the beach today.