Some time has passed since the election, so it’s no surprise that my depression has somewhat lifted as well. The keyword being “somewhat.” My God I wish it was gone. Sometimes I think it has and then I’ll realize I spent an hour staring at the wall. I sigh so regularly that Maurice keeps asking me what’s wrong because he thinks I’m having difficulty breathing. My desire to move out of the country has become an obsession. I’ve lost so much faith.
On Friday I had an appointment with both my pdoc and my therapist. It was a challenge with my pdoc. He kept telling me he wishes he had magical words that would make me feel better – and he tried. He kept quoting from our founding fathers. It only served to irritate me. He told me that he’s not a religious man, but is of Jewish heritage and proceeded to educate me that the Jews have learned to laugh in the face of adversity. He also brought up the Cuban Missile Crisis and talked of being told as a schoolboy to duck and cover if a missile was dropped. I told him that we were still watching those movies when I was in school and that we practiced getting under our desks. I have no idea what he was expecting by telling me those little gems.
I told my pdoc about the anxiety attacks I’d been having. I asked him to simply give me five pills of an additional anti-anxiety med that I can take when I feel an attack coming on. The man hemmed and hawed for a long time. He brought up me building a resistance and blah, blah, blah. I reminded him I was only asking him for five pills. He asked if I felt I was in imminent danger and when I told him yes, he reluctantly caved.
My therapist was a different story. We had an excellent session. We discussed my researching other countries Maurice and I could move to. He didn’t think it was unhealthy, especially since I was researching and not having a knee-jerk reaction. I think he was as excited as I am at the possibility of a new adventure.
He helped me move past some of the deep fears I was having. Just pointing out that Hillary won every county in California, except one, made me feel a little better.
So are Maurice and I going to move out of the U.S.? That’s still in the discussion stage. Definitely being seriously considered, but we’re not moving tomorrow. I’ll update that more sometime this week.
Weight and Fitness
Weight on Nov. 12: 259.6 lbs.
Weight on Nov, 12: 256.6 lbs.
Total loss: 3.0 lbs.
Lost 3 pounds? I have no idea how it happened, but blessed be! The week prior to last I gained 3 pounds, so I’m feeling peachy to have not gained more. I promised myself I’d never be in the 260’s again and I kept that promise.
Because of the anxiety and depression, it was another week of bad eating habits and little to no exercise, which is why I’m so surprised.
Another week of getting nowhere. I did a little editing here and there, but nothing new. Maurice is on vacation all this week and we’ll be up at his parents, so I’m not expecting to get much of anything done. I’ll at least try to do some editing.
Mood still sucks; I did lose 3 pounds; No writing done. I’ll be generous and score last week a D+