I’m Kind of Okay Now

It’s time for another Throwback Thursday. This week I reached into the vault and pulled out a gem originally posted June 30, 2008. It was titled “I am NOT Okay.

okay

I hear it all the time, “I’m glad to see you are much better.” “How are you doing?” “You look so much better today” etc. etc. etc.

I’ve got news for you folks…I’m NOT better. OK, maybe I am from a few months ago, but unless they come up with a cure I will have bipolar disorder until the day I die.

  • Want to know how I’m doing? Let’s talk about the moments I’m so depressed that for no reason I break into tears.
  • I look great don’t I? Well, let me share the days that I’m so manic that I’m going crazy around the house, absolutely exhausted but feel unable to stop myself and rest.
  • You’re glad I’m all better now? How about I tell you about the moments I step away quietly so that you don’t see me shaking so badly that I look like I’m insane, or need to get my composure before I can continue to put on a smile.

The thing that drives me most about all this is that I know their concern is sincere. I know they truly care. If I didn’t believe that it would be much easier because then I could slap them and say “Shut the hell up!” But I can’t do that. It is nice to have people who care, but it’s hard to accept they’ll never understand.

I realize I’m not sounding very wacky or silly today, but I go through this every week, especially on Sunday when I’m at church. I smile and say “I’m doing ok” and see the odd looks on peoples faces implying to me that they don’t get it. I certainly seem well to them.

Part of my lack of humor is the shakes I’m still having. I spoke with my pdoc about it and we changed my meds, as I said, and are waiting for the change to come in. Until then, I’m dropping things, I can’t stop, I catch myself falling down, etc. It is not a pleasant experience. Hopefully it gets better soon.

 

  8 comments for “I’m Kind of Okay Now

  1. March 28, 2016 at 02:11

    Yes I know, I hate that “but you’re looking so well?!!!” I don’t know if its the words themselves or the cheeriness of the statement that annoys me the most. And don’t you love how the side effects state ‘slight hand tremor’. My hands used to have a pronounced shake, even my head wobbled lol!

  2. March 24, 2016 at 15:12

    It is an awkward moment when people ask “how are you doing?” Like you, I say okay even though I might feel like I’m dying inside and have mental and physical pain. I don’t know how it is in other countries but here in the U.S. “how are you doing?” is more of a greeting like “Hi!” and for the most part people aren’t ready for the truthful response. There are very few people in my life who really want to know. In addition, I don’t want to be a downer, burdening people with my woes. I know it would get old with my acquaintances. I’ll be truthful most of the time with close friends if they are seriously asking but they can spot the subtle changes sometimes anyway. I’m glad you are feeling better now than you were back then.

    • March 24, 2016 at 16:30

      I’ve had people congratulate me for being cured. I can’t remember if I laughed or cried

  3. March 24, 2016 at 14:29

    Glad you are doing much better now l.

    • March 24, 2016 at 16:30

      Thank you, Kitt. Me too

  4. March 24, 2016 at 13:26

    I find myself avoiding people because I’m 32 and their question to me is what are you doing with your life now. It makes me feel like I’m suppose to be working a job and like you I have similar symptoms. I understand you.

    • March 24, 2016 at 16:35

      Get a job when and if you can – or don’t get one. For 10 years I asked my pdoc and my therapist if I’d be going back soon. They finally told me that the answer is likely never. You’re a good poet and blogger, I suggest that you view those as your job. It gives you structure, and more importantly, you never know who you’re going to help.

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