Due to Circumstances Beyond my Control

Today I had planned to write a post about an interesting article that was sent to me. It was about the stigma men face compared to women. Sorry, I can’t do it today. It’s more than I can handle. Instead I’m doing a quick post on how I’m doing. I hate writing a whiny post, but I swore to myself I’d post twice a week and this is all I got. So, due to circumstances beyond my control, the stigma post goes back on the shelf,

My last post was about dissociation that I experienced about five days ago. I wish I could say it was gone, but not entirely. Last night, when I crawled into bed, it hit me again. It was really more of a panic attack, however when I reached over to adjust my clock I freaked out. For a few moments I was scared to death to touch it. I held my shaky hand over my clock for awhile before I was able to throw it down quickly on to it. My body and my voice were trembling and Maurice picked up on it right away. He put his arms around me and reassured me that everything was real and okay. It wasn’t as helpful this time. Being in his arms made me feel claustrophobic and trapped. I wanted to break free. On the other hand, not touching him made me feel like I was floating and out of control. It was a no win situation. I stayed in his arms and fell asleep mildly trembling the entire time, feeling the need to escape the situation, but having no clue what to do.

Today hasn’t been much better. I had planned to wash clothes and clean up the place, both need to be done badly, but I haven’t been able to do it. I haven’t dealt with dissociation, but my anxiety level is on max alert. I’ve just sat around wishing I had something to do, but not capable of doing anything. Once again, I’ve been shaking like a Chihuahua all day with tears in my eyes. I did reach a point that I couldn’t stand being inside these four walls any longer so I walked across the street to buy a gyro. The gyro was delicious, but it was a bad decision. The deli counter was packed with people pushing and shoving and twice I was hit by shopping carts. I still don’t know how I did it, but I stayed. I guess the only thing I wanted more than running out of there was a gyro.

Being in the market was taxing, but its effects didn’t get to me until I got home where I curled up in the fetal position and cried. Fuck, I hate it when I lose complete control and that’s what the last four days have been about.

I am starting to think this is all going on because of my med changes. I want to call my pdoc, but I know him well enough to know I would go straight to his voicemail which will tell me its full. On the rare instance I am able to leave a message, he won’t call back. I’ve got a couple of referrals that my therapist gave me for new psychiatrists, but I can’t do it today. Speaking of my therapist, he’s out of town so he’s no help either. That leaves me stuck here at home, struggling and writing this post the best I can.

25 comments on Due to Circumstances Beyond my Control

  1. I just want to give you a great big hug. I’m so sorry you are having a rough time.

    1. Better days are ahead. They always are. Just have to hang on tight for now and ride the waves.

  2. im sorry to hear you’re struggling right now. i hope you are able to find some ways to distract, be mindful and find other useful coping skills to get you thru this rough patch.

    1. I’m trying and I guess I’m doing an okay job so far. Hopefully I’ll be more successful tomorrow

  3. Dear me, that sounds like a very bad no good day. I’m so sorry you’re suffering and I thank you for sharing your anxiety and fear so openly. That chihuahua simile was so apt. I feel like that sometimes too. 🙁

  4. I’m so sorry you’ve hit such a rough patch and a frightening one at that. I wish there was something I could do or say to help. Just hang on to the knowledge from past experiences that it will pass and know that your friends who follow you truly do care. Sharing your frustration is okay – I don’t call it whining.

    1. Yeah, I probably should call it venting rather than whining, but I try to keep a positive spin on things. I guess since this blog is about me living with bipolar things aren’t always going to be seen in a positive ligt.

      1. I do not think you are whining. You are recording an accurate assessment of what is happening to you right now. Sometimes, it is possible to spin this illness in a positive way, sometimes it is too scary and all you can do is get through it and know it will go away again. The only downside to that is you know it will resurface when you least expect it. I really hope that you get to feeling better; panic attacks and anxiety are no fun. However, that is what I find most interesting about this issue; it manifests so very differently in people. There is no such thing as two of a kind with Bipolar. Please know that these attacks will pass maybe quickly, maybe with time. You have a supportive partner who appears to have a good working knowledge of this illness. Lean on him if you need to.

        1. Thank you, Jennifer. You make some good points. Fortunately, I am already doing a little better (knock on wood)

  5. Bradley
    I understand, fear moves at the light of speed. Think of me, I’ll be praying for you and will offer a huge hug.
    Breath deep, bring your mind down to nano thinking. If I can find anything I can do it slowly quite my anxiety. The nano may picking up dog hair on carpet, I can keep my mind focused on the tiny, after an hour the tiny doesn’t feel so bad. It’s an ongoing challenge, learning new techniques from your therapist. Take another step. You’re a fighter and your husband loves and understands the challenges you face.

  6. This sounds so hard. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. I hope it passes soon. Med discontinuation can be horrific if that is what it is. My therapist taught me to use some grounding techniques during dissociation. Holding an icecube, snapping a rubber band on my wrist, describing in detail an object in the room. Easier said than done though. Hang in there.

  7. My therapist taught me to put a cold pack (frozen veges or ice pack) on the back of my neck. It stops the shaking almost immediately. Also lie down in a lazy boy chair and practice mindfulness techniques like a spiral moving in circles right behind your eyes. You can sure as shit know that coming down off your meds is ultra uncomfortable. Get a new pdoc. I know its hard to do anything when motivation is low. But do it!! Getting your meds right is so important. I would give you hugs but I don’t like to be touched.

    1. Interesting techniques, but sound like they are worth a try. I do need to get back on my search for a new pdoc. Thank you

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