I Feel No Loyalty

Its been four days since the election results came in and I’m finding myself more depressed. Each day I feel more depressed. The Republican party has gone nuts since the Tea Party and the Evangelical’s took over, but this is not just about my party losing. It’s the man. This video is of the man who will be President mocking a reporter with a chronic disability. The reporter he’s mocking is Serge F. Kovaleski, who has a congenital condition that involves contraction of the joints in his body

This act alone should have ended his political career, yet it’s one year later and he’s heading to the White House. It sickens me.

I’ve loved my country, yet I find myself becoming more and more disloyal and I don’t give a damn. I just want out of here. I don’t want to abandon my country, I feel my country has abandoned me. I owe it nothing.

I’m still being told to stay and fight, but I just don’t have it in me. I’ve been fighting one thing or another my whole life. I’m exhausted.I don’t think I care enough to fight.

Maurice and I are still considering moving. We’ve received a generous offer to live with a friend for free at his home in Altea Alicante Spain. I’ve never heard of it, but this place looks beautiful.

Altea Alicante Spain

If we do leave, which is unsure, we may end up there permanently. Then again, maybe not. Maybe it would be just for a few months, though I don’t think that’s enough.

My words may not be as profound as I’ve read on many blogs this week, but I’m not trying to write a thesis. I make no apologies for just feeling the need to share what’s going on in my head.

I’m angry, I’m exhausted, I’m afraid, and I’m bitter. I don’t know when these feelings will go away, but I don’t think they ever will if I remain here.

35 comments on I Feel No Loyalty

  1. My heart goes out to you and to all Americans. His presence will be felt all over the world. I can only hope that wiser people will rein him in.

  2. I understand how you are feeling. You have to make the decision that best supports your life and your health. I would never tell someone else what to do–go or stay–only that I wish for them the best life they can have. Doing whatever needs to be done to have that best life is your decision. HUGS.

    1. Thank you. I think, if possible, getting away will be the best thing for me, whether it’s a few months or a few years.

  3. maybe he will be assasinated and the vice president will take over. or maybe one of the 70+ lawsuits will end in him being found guilty and then being impeached. a tiny glimmer of hope…

    1. The problem with that is the Vice President is just as bad except he actually knows what’s going on. I doubt seriously Trump will last the 4 years.

  4. I understand Bradley. I have to stay and fight, but I completely understand the reasons why you and Maurice feel you need to go.

  5. I’m so sorry Bradley. To feel abandoned is a desolate state of being. No matter if or where you settle in the world, you will still have your book to write. I don’t know what Maurice’s employment is, but you can work as an author anywhere in the world. My heart goes out to you

    1. Sadly I haven’t made a living as a writer which limits where we can go. Most countries require that you earn a certain amount of money to immigrate to their country so you don’t immediately need welfare upon moving in. It’s understandable, but with me on disability there’s not many countries that will take us. Maurice is an IT technician, but it’d be hard for him to find a job until we’re there…wherever there is.

      1. I’m so sorry Bradley. I hope your country reaches some stability and can put to rest your fears and bring you back to feeling ‘at home’ again, within your own country

  6. My heart goes out to you and Maurice. Staying in Spain sounds like an adventure. I’d grab it and go faster than you could think. Just do what’s best and don’t worry about other people’s opinions.

    1. Our initial desire was to just get out of this country, however I now view it as a big adventure. It sounds fun if we can do it.

  7. No that you need my opinion, but here goes, free of charge.
    You cannot change the world if you don’t take care of yourself first. If self-care means preserving your relationship in a space where there is less hatred and fear-do so! If you feel that you just need a moment to collect yourself before rallying-do that too! And more importantly, make those decisions because they are best for you, not because you are persuaded otherwise. I have no doubt that you’ll continue to put great blogs out, and that you’ll continue to make the growth I’ve seen-location is just an arbitrary category. I hope you find peace about your decisions!

  8. Alicante, Spain is a very beautiful place. I have friends who own a vacation home there. They actually invited me to join them there in October but I already had other commitments that prevented me from going. If you decide to go there, I will definitely visit!!! Good luck in yourd decision.

  9. It’s ok to not want this fight. You’re absolutely right. The gay men of our generation spent our lives fighting. We’ve seen this before though it was never this bad.

    I say if you can go to Spain and live in a civil community then do it.

    I wish I could leave.

    I’m sick of fighting too.

    Although the fight in me tends to surface despite my exhaustion.

  10. Bradley, I’m speechless. I know how it is when you don’t feel like fighting anymore. It’s not that you are quitting, it’s just that you lost faith and interest in the matter.

    You are braver than what you think 🙂
    Hugs <3

  11. Hey friend, I’m trying to get caught up with all my friends’ blog posts I missed the past week.
    I’m still sick, I’m still chugging Pepto Bismol, and hardly able to eat. Since I love feeling healthy and I love food & my Lucy walks, I’m feeling very down. 🙁 Sending you hugs and love, and I’ll write more pertinent comments on your more recent posts! Xo

      1. I miss wanting to eat, B!!! 😉 And drink…coffee and chai, not booze, LOL!
        Hope you’re hanging in there today, and I’ll look for you on Lose It!

        yer matey, The Captain

    1. I’ve been having a tough time catching up on posts too. A lot of life going on, I hope you feel better soon and can enjoy the outdoors with Lucy

      1. Thanks B! It’s raining cats & dogs today (we’ll get 1-2 inches this weekend, apparently!) but I’m feeling better today – weak, but much better compared to yesterday. Lucy & I are chillin’ on the bed doing our very best bedbug impressions. Hope your day is going better too, my friend! 🙂

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