Sometimes I look back on old posts and think I’m very negative. Too negative. Am I really always that miserable? The answer is no. I am not. Oh, I get some fucked up days… many of them, actually, but I probably have more good than bad. At the very least it’s 50/50.
This blog is my outlet when I’m sad, have the blues, am very depressed or extremely manic. It’s not a conscious thing, it’s just that I find myself having more inspiration when I’m feeling shitty. I am now starting to realize that’s not fair. Don’t I owe it to my readers to show that things can, and do get better? Don’t I owe that to myself? I think I do, and, I think I should allow my writing to reflect that.
Don’t get me wrong. I am depressed. In fact, I’d say I’m always depressed. As I’ve said many times before, it’s always there and it always feels like it crawling under my skin doing everything it can to make my life miserable, even on my best days. So I smile, I laugh, I socialize on my best days to help mask the pain. On my worst days it is nearly impossible to do any of those things. I don’t shower, I keep the blinds shut and try to stay away from the world. Those days are excruciatingly painful, but I must accept them, and remember they don’t last.
I am going to try harder to write more when I’m on an upswing from now on. I think it’s something I need to do for myself and for my readers.