My Crazy Bipolar Place

Monday’s suck for me. I usually have busy weekends (compared to many they would seem tame – but they are crazy for me.) By the time Monday comes around, I’m spent. Typically I go into a depressive state. A deep one. I’ve tried many things to work past it, such as cleaning house, getting outside, going to the store, reading writing, etc. and none of them help me in anyway whatsoever. In fact, most of them make matters worse. I’ve learned to just know it’s coming, relax as much as I can and ride it out. Maurice usually sees it hit me before I do and he reminds to just relax and not to do anything that is an obligation. Just chill or watch some movies, or something.

Our apartment has two sections. In the front is our living room and kitchen. In the back is our bedroom and bathroom. The front faces east, the back faces west. Our living room and kitchen can get hot…really hot. The sun cooks the stucco on that side of the building and it’s hard to cool down. As a result, we keep the front door closed during the day and the blinds closed. It is the dark side of our place.

The back area is usually the opposite. There’s a shade tree out there and we keep the windows open in the bedroom and the bathroom. This bright side of the house stays cooler than the front and there is little noise from the comings and goings of our neighbors.

Though feeling down earlier, I was able to drag my ass out of the apartment, went to the supermarket across the street and picked up our mail. It was dreadful. I couldn’t wait to get back home. My head was spinning from all the input. I was scared to death crossing the street. That’s usually a huge red flag with me that something is wrong – crossing the street, knowing there are no cars coming from either direction, yet hyperventilating from the fear I’ll get run over. It’s an awful feeling and makes me feel weak.

What’s this have to do with our apartment? Well, today is one of those days I’m stuck in the front – in the dark. Despite doing the things above that are supposed to help with depression, I’ve been sitting here in the front wishing I could make myself go to the back and feel better. It ain’t happening.

Something that struck me the other day is how much my mood affects where I’ll be even on my good days. While my bad days I’ll be stuck all day in the dark side, when I’m feeling good just I can’t stay in the bright side. I have two computers. My desktop in the bright side is where I do most of my writing. I love those days where I can enjoy the sunshine and feel the words flowing easily out of my fingers and onto the keyboard. But I can’t stay there even on the best of days. I still end up spending a lot of time in the dark side. If I’m typing away and I reach a point where I have no idea what to write next, I find myself in the dark side on my laptop. From there I can access Facebook, Twitter, etc. The dark side is the place I go to when my writing has me stumped. Why would I go there? Am I stumped because I’m depressed and that’s why I physically go from the light to the dark? Or, is it just a healthy way for me to recharge. For me, I think it’s both. Regardless, I wish I could keep myself out of the dark side and just have a day where I can stay in the bright.

I’m curious, do you have something similar in your day? Is there a specific place you go when you’re down and a different place if you’re up? Are you able to stay in either of those places over an extended period of time. I’m hoping for some inspiration – I want to know what it feels like to be able to spend an entire day in the light.

7 comments on My Crazy Bipolar Place

  1. I split the days between my study and bed. Bad days all in bed. Desktop downstairs in study, tablet upstairs in bed. I can only work downstairs, but I can blog upstairs and even dictate. I get the overstimulation indoors too and rarely go out except to therapist and shrink. Still, I had a lot of good days last month – days when I could do paying work without forcing myself. Enough good days that I’ve even worked ahead on my blogs, in anticipation of the pit that will surely come.

    1. Glad you’ve been having good days lately. Creating posts when I’m in a good space is my plan, but I just haven’t been able to implement it. You’ve inspired me to keep trying.

    1. Thank you, Pam. I’ll definitely find my way back, I just don’t know when. I truly believe that someday I’ll find a way to stay there.

  2. If “Monday” is always a problem, recreate Mondays. Give it another (happy) name – funday. Make sure you do at least one little thing you find fun – play music, yoga, dance like no one’s watching, watch some old stand up comics, etc. Hopefully you’ll eventually look forward to Funday!

  3. I am a light/dark person as well. I write when I am in the dark both literally and figuratively. This seems to help. If I am in the light, I take advantage and go out in the sun or enjoy the rain or whatever is happening. I go walking or cycling. I cannot write if I am in the light. Since I live in mixed episode world, light and dark can occur at the same time. It seems to depend on which side is more pronounced that day. Music seems to help. However, this is such a personal disorder that no one thing works universally. Maybe what you’re feeling is a “coming down” from the weekend?

  4. Hi Bradley,
    Just stopping by. Was missing for a while and I’m back. Wanted to see what you were up to. I can so relate to the panic…. Nice to read you and see you are doing okay.

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