I asked my husband, Maurice, to think back to before I was taking meds. We both remember the trial and error period when my pdoc and I were trying to find the right combination for me. Some of the meds had some pretty wacky side effects. In fact, one of them made me attack Maurice. Naturally my pdoc told him to get me off those immediately. I can visibly remember the finding drugs period, but my memory before that is quite sketchy.
My question to him was if there is really a noticeable difference from before I went on meds and now. The way I worded it was kind of confusing so he wasn’t really sure what I was asking. He hemmed and hawed and cocked his head and looked at me strangely. I wondered why it was taking him so long to answer. Naturally, I was asking to see if I really have a problem and could I possibly stop seeing a pdoc and even get off my meds. I had in my head that the whole bipolar thing was all a big mistake.
I finally realized he didn’t understand what I was asking, so I asked it again. “Can you see a difference from the way I was before I started on meds, compared to how I am today. Am I better off now?”
I saw the look in his face when he realized what I was asking. He leaned back, looked at me and said, “Oh my God, hell yes!” He went on to describe how I couldn’t function at work and I couldn’t talk. He said he lost me then and wanted me to come back. He’s happy that I did.
So, I didn’t get the validation I wanted. I didn’t get the excuse to get off my meds. What I did get was that my life is far superior today than before proper treatment, and that I need to consider each day a blessing.
Life is good.