I was a young man having a hard time accepting I was gay. Due to my bipolar disorder I already acted strangely, felt outside the rest of the world and felt lonely. I didn’t feel shame, but didn’t one more thing that would make me different than everyone else. God knows, I already felt different enough.
I decided I needed to start fresh in the world. I was living in North Carolina, which isn’t known for being the most open minded state in the Union. So where did I end up? The wonderful farm state of Nebraska. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. I was lonely there. I went back to having sordid affairs which just made lonelier. Each one, I swore, would be the last. Finally I made the decision to come out and then something changed…I met her.
She must have been crazier than I am because she was very attracted to me. I loved how she made me feel. Finally, someone who didn’t want to just get it on. She was fun in a child-like manner and I could talk with her about anything. Finally, it was going to be easy to overcome my gay feelings and change me once and for all…Yeah, right.
A year later we married. We had nearly a story book marriage, but there was always that one thing hanging over me. The one thing that was eating at my very soul. The one thing that kept telling me this wasn’t right. I hadn’t overcome being gay at all. I had fooled myself. After 5 years and a child later, I couldn’t do it any longer. I didn’t want to be one of those that tears her heart out if she discovered 30 years years later. It was time to tell.
She laughed at first. Probably a gut reaction, but after much hurt and sorrow we agreed that since we had a daughter together that it was important for us to remain friends. Later she told me that she now understood why I put my hand over my mouth when I giggled. She also was a beer drinker so she told me she now understood why I like fru fru drinks…hmpf. We divorced and went our separate ways.
I went through a couple of relationships that didn’t last and then I met Maurice. We had chatted online for sometime but both of us were always in relationships. Finally we agreed to meet for a friendly cup of coffee. I suggested we go to the beach and it was on the way that we discovered we were both single.
We laid on the beach under a full moon. We talked for 5 hours and haven’t stopped talking since. Here I’d finally met someone who I loved and could be who I am. Maurice and I had a simple marriage ceremony in June of 2007. He is my heart, my soul and my best friend.
Today, I still struggle with my bipolar disorder, but I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I’m finally completely out of the closet and don’t feel so lonely and empty anymore. Sure, my bipolar disorder makes me feel that way, but I don’t feel so because of fear that people will find out I’m gay.
For me, coming out was the best decision I ever made. My only regret is I didn’t do it sooner, but we all have to choose our own way.