Last week’s depression subsided, but was followed with a week full of anxiety. At least twice I almost went to full blown meltdown. I staved off the anxiety attacks by centering and breathing. Not easy to do when your mind is racing, heart is racing and your body is shaking violently. I hated the feelings, of course, but it felt good to successfully use the tools I’ve learned. A sense of accomplishment. I also had a couple of moments of dissociation, which is normal for me during major anxiety, but I’m happy they were relatively mild as well.
I didn’t get the exercise in I had hoped for to help give me balance. I think it would have helped me deal with some of the anxiety even more.
Weight and Fitness
Weight on Sep 24: 261.6 lbs.
Weight on Oct 15: 264.0 lbs
Total gain: 2.4 lbs
After nearly a month, I finally got weighed and gained a couple of pounds. I’m not thrilled with that, but I fully expected it to be substantially more. My expectation was that my weight would be a minimum of 270 lbs. That’s the big win of the week.
On the dark side is my overall weight for this year. Since the end of April, I have gained 1 lb. My weight has been bouncing up and down with 260 being the average. Some people would call that a plateau, but that’s bullshit. At least in my circumstance. This was based entirely on my actions. Eating healthy one week and not the next. Week after week, month after month.
I gave serious thought to finally going ahead and having the gastro bypass surgery, however, as I said many times before, to have the surgery done there is a requirement to lose 10% of my weight. If I am able to successfully lose 26 lbs., I wouldn’t have the surger., I would keep losing instead. It’s quite the conundrum.
Maurice and I have recommitted to getting back to a healthier lifestyle and I seriously believe we will finally be working together for success. Getting the refrigerator filled again with healthy foods and snacks is one thing. The other is to encourage each other to exercise, and exercise together when possible.
This has been a big win this week. I‘m back at being productive. I even wrote what I consider to be a successful sex scene. It’s extremely mild. Probably a PG rating, but I’ve never written one before and I must say I consider it damn convincing.
When I first started the novel, I planned a hard boiled mystery with a tough as nails detective, but as I wrote I found I was writing a lot of humor. This happened organically and I let my mind go that way and have been pleased. During the depressive period, I really struggled to write “funny.” This week I’ve been back at it, Baby!
Depression lifted, but was replaced with anxiety, which I was able to manage. My weight increased, but not nearly to the degree I expected. I’m back at writing and ensuring I’m productive every day. Overall, not bad. I’ll give the week a C+