Despite my optimism, my winning streak of good weeks came to a close. It wasn’t depression or mania that got me. It was anxiety. I mentioned it had been nagging at me, but it finally exploded in my face.
It started early Sunday morning. I was scheduled to be an usher at our church and Maurice and I overslept. Normally that wouldn’t be a big deal. Shit happens, right? Just make a last-minute call, explain you won’t make it and have the other usher find someone to help them out. It should be that easy, but it wasn’t. I had a complete breakdown over nothing and could barely function. After what seemed like a long amount of time (I have no idea how long) I called both the other usher’s cell phone, and his wife’s cell phone, to tell him I wasn’t going to make it. Neither answered so I called the church secretary and she told him. Mission accomplished, right? Yeah, right.
In addition to ushering, I was also bringing in boxes of candles for the service. I had it in my head that all the old ones were burnt down to nubs and that’s what they were going to have to live with because there was no way I could bring the new ones on time. I had no doubt I had ruined the entire service.
My anxiety remained on high alert all week, sometimes to the point of pure exhaustion and tears. I don’t remember what the second trigger was, but later in the week I had another panic attack resulting again in being totally unable to function. It’s hard to get anything done when you’re violently shaking and rocking back and forth.
It seems every time I try to make my world bigger, I get pulled back. It wasn’t much I had going on for the week. I had two meetings with my writers group, a church related social justice meeting, lunch with a friend and an appointment with my therapist. All that, on top of working my job (writing) proved to be too much for me to handle.
This week I don’t have much going on. I was an usher yesterday. (Last week I was supposed to be filling in as a favor.) The rest of the week is wide open. My biggest concern is the election tomorrow. I’m usually a political junkie and spend the entire night watching the results until the wee hours of the morning. I don’t think I can handle that. I’ll spend the night watching movies instead. I’ll still be a nervous wreck. I’m absolutely terrified of a Trump presidency, so staring at the screen listening to commentators all night would not be healthy. The networks refrain from announcing the likely winners until after Alaska and Hawaii close their polls anyway. I think that’s 10 pm here in California. At most I’ll take a quick peek around 10:15. If I’m really good to myself, I’ll wait until Wednesday morning.
On a positive note, I’ve taken steps to reduce all my obligations. On Friday, I sent an email out to all the ushers that I will be stepping down as usher coordinator on December 1st. I’ll also put it in the church newsletter this week. I hope someone steps forward to take over, but I’ve committed myself to bow out regardless of what happens. I must take care of myself. Once we do find someone else to be the coordinator, I’ll help them find a replacement for me as usher. After that, my only church obligations will be to organize the Pride Parade and the AIDS walk each year. Two events a year I can handle.
Two weeks into my new writer’s group and we had some major drama, so I’ve stepped out of that as well. I’ll focus on the current draft of my manuscript and will consider joining a critique group after that, but I’ll cross that bridge as I come to it…it’s a long ways off.
Weight and Fitness
Weight on Oct 29: 258.2 lbs.
Weight on Nov 05: 256.6 lbs.
Total loss: 1.6 lbs.
Here’s the sunny part of my week. Because of the anxiety I didn’t exercise much at all. I can’t remember how I did regarding food. I don’t recall my meals, but apparently, they weren’t bad. I’m happy with a 1.6 loss.
Because of my anxiety, very little was accomplished. Even in the blogosphere I only wrote one post and didn’t read a single post by anyone else. Not one. Blogging is my only hobby, so I hope for a better week this time around.
Despite how well I did health and weight-wise, my mood and writing were complete disasters. I grade this week a solid E.