Weekly Wrap-Up November 07, 2016

Weekly Wrap-up


Despite my optimism, my winning streak of good weeks came to a close. It wasn’t depression or mania that got me. It was anxiety. I mentioned it had been nagging at me, but it finally exploded in my face.

It started early Sunday morning. I was scheduled to be an usher at our church and Maurice and I overslept. Normally that wouldn’t be a big deal. Shit happens, right? Just make a last-minute call, explain you won’t make it and have the other usher find someone to help them out. It should be that easy, but it wasn’t. I had a complete breakdown over nothing and could barely function. After what seemed like a long amount of time (I have no idea how long) I called both the other usher’s cell phone, and his wife’s cell phone, to tell him I wasn’t going to make it. Neither answered so I called the church secretary and she told him. Mission accomplished, right? Yeah, right.

In addition to ushering, I was also bringing in boxes of candles for the service. I had it in my head that all the old ones were burnt down to nubs and that’s what they were going to have to live with because there was no way I could bring the new ones on time. I had no doubt I had ruined the entire service.

My anxiety remained on high alert all week, sometimes to the point of pure exhaustion and tears. I don’t remember what the second trigger was, but later in the week I had another panic attack resulting again in being totally unable to function. It’s hard to get anything done when you’re violently shaking and rocking back and forth.

It seems every time I try to make my world bigger, I get pulled back. It wasn’t much I had going on for the week. I had two meetings with my writers group, a church related social justice meeting, lunch with a friend and an appointment with my therapist. All that, on top of working my job (writing) proved to be too much for me to handle.

This week I don’t have much going on. I was an usher yesterday. (Last week I was supposed to be filling in as a favor.) The rest of the week is wide open. My biggest concern is the election tomorrow. I’m usually a political junkie and spend the entire night watching the results until the wee hours of the morning. I don’t think I can handle that. I’ll spend the night watching movies instead. I’ll still be a nervous wreck. I’m absolutely terrified of a Trump presidency, so staring at the screen listening to commentators all night would not be healthy. The networks refrain from announcing the likely winners until after Alaska and Hawaii close their polls anyway. I think that’s 10 pm here in California. At most I’ll take a quick peek around 10:15. If I’m really good to myself, I’ll wait until Wednesday morning.

On a positive note, I’ve taken steps to reduce all my obligations. On Friday, I sent an email out to all the ushers that I will be stepping down as usher coordinator on December 1st. I’ll also put it in the church newsletter this week. I hope someone steps forward to take over, but I’ve committed myself to bow out regardless of what happens. I must take care of myself. Once we do find someone else to be the coordinator, I’ll help them find a replacement for me as usher. After that, my only church obligations will be to organize the Pride Parade and the AIDS walk each year. Two events a year I can handle.

Two weeks into my new writer’s group and we had some major drama, so I’ve stepped out of that as well. I’ll focus on the current draft of my manuscript and will consider joining a critique group after that, but I’ll cross that bridge as I come to it…it’s a long ways off.

Weight and Fitness

Weight on Oct 29: 258.2 lbs.
Weight on Nov 05: 256.6 lbs.
Total loss: 1.6 lbs.

Here’s the sunny part of my week. Because of the anxiety I didn’t exercise much at all. I can’t remember how I did regarding food. I don’t recall my meals, but apparently, they weren’t bad. I’m happy with a 1.6 loss.


Because of my anxiety, very little was accomplished. Even in the blogosphere I only wrote one post and didn’t read a single post by anyone else. Not one. Blogging is my only hobby, so I hope for a better week this time around.


Despite how well I did health and weight-wise, my mood and writing were complete disasters. I grade this week a solid E.

22 comments on Weekly Wrap-Up November 07, 2016

  1. I’m so sorry about the awful anxiety, Bradley, although I wrote on LoseIt! how glad I was about that weight loss – I was amazed because you predicted it would go up, yet it dropped….now it all makes sense; I didn’t know that #&%&^ anxiety caused it! 🙁

    I’m VERY happy you wrote an email notfiying your church that you’re stepping down from ushering, and that you are taking good care of yourself (i.e.not only the usher situation, but figuring out it’s best for you not to stay up all night to watch the election proceedings) and here’s hoping & praying that it’s a much, much better week for you and that Trump is NOT elected!

    Captain D.

  2. A Trump presidency would send a lot of good people into panic attacks as well so I won’t be watching either. You’re not alone in that stress. Take care of yourself Brad. Sorry this week was so difficult.

  3. Good for you for taking care of yourself by bowing out of the ushering job and the writers group. I try to run from drama when I spot it. Unless I’m hypomanic and then I seem to be drawn too it. Lol. Hoping this week your anxiety settles down for you.

    1. LOL I know what you mean. I was always the one who created the drama. I’m glad those days are behind me.

  4. I’m sorry you had such a tough week with anxiety. I commend you on sending that email of resignation out. I know you’ve been mulling over resigning for a while and you weren’t sure what would be the best way to do it. Well done. You’re looking at the big picture of your life and whittling down your commitments to a comfortable level and that is a wise thing. Congrats on the weight loss.

    1. Thank you for you comment, Journey. I’m glad I eliminated stress factors too. I don’t know what I’ll do if no one will take over the position. I guess I’ll cross that bridge when if comes.

  5. Sorry you had a rough week. I hope this week proves to be better for you. Good for you on getting things weeded out though (giving your notice for usher, stepping away from drama of the writers group, etc…) That is a big positive! Big hugs to you!

  6. Oh Bradley, I’m sorry you had such a low week. You are right when you said you have to take care of yourself (my mom would add: “Or no one else will”.)
    Keep on doing what makes you happy.
    I hope you don’t get too anxious during the election. A movie night sounds wonderful 🙂


  7. You deserve an A plus. You chose to take care of yourself and you followed through with each obligation, whittling what’s on your plate down to a more manageable size. That healthy choice will ripple through your new streamlined days and allow you time to gently regain your footing anxiety wise. The rest is pure miscellaneous. So often we forget to practice self care. But you did and you get an A for Absolutely Awesome!! You mention the elections making you anxious…. Well here’s an embarrassing story of how I relate… ohmygod *cringe* Ok, when Amazing Race and Survivor first came out, I would get so attached to the contestants and so anxious about the outcome, I had to take tranquilizers just so I could watch those silly shows. I would get beside myself. And then later on when south africa caught up with internet, I HAD to google the winner so I could actually relax and enjoy the show.

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