Good to be Back

Where the hell have I been?  Good question.  I’ve been busy juggling the various aspects of my life and not doing a very good job of it.  It’s been odd not having read or written any blog articles for a couple of weeks.  It’s good to be back.  Well kinda.

An update regarding my depression.  I finally spoke with my pdoc about it.  I’m not happy.  He pretty much blew off how bad it has been and would not adjust my meds at all.  I’ve said it before – I take my meds very seriously and do not take adjustments to them lightly, but I don’t take severe depression lightly either.  If it would make a difference I would fill out one of the forms the county offers so that I could change doctors.  It doesn’t make a difference because my pdoc is the department head.  For now, I’ll just use the tools I’ve learned and depend on the people around me for support.

Schools over…at least for me.  I was only taking one class.  English 101.  It was going well until it came time to turn in our first essay.  I lost it mentally.  Major panic attack.  I didn’t finish it and I fell completely apart the morning it was due, so I skipped class.  I crunched the numbers and found that if I busted my ass the rest of the quarter then I had the chance of getting a “C”. On Monday my pdoc suggested I should probably drop the class, but I didn’t like the idea.  On Tuesday my professor convinced me I should.  He said that I am an “A” student and he didn’t think it was a good idea to be killing myself to get a “C”. He convinced me to drop the class and take it again during the spring session and get an “A.”  This time I listened and withdrew.  (sigh)

I agree it’s for the best, but I’m feeling pretty deflated.  I broke down in tears the other night.  I’ve not been released to go back to work by either my pdoc or my therapist.  Now I can’t even take classes.  What the hell am I supposed to do?  I guess I’ll be a house husband for a while. 


18 comments on Good to be Back

  1. I’m glad you’re back too! It’s good that you were able to recognize early in the term that you needed to withdraw, rather than trying to push yourself and ending up in worse shape. The class will still be there in the spring. 😉
    Except for my writing, I have been a house wife for 4 1/2 years. I’m not especially good at it, but at least it allows for my partner to go to work without having to worry about cooking, ironing shirts, and so forth.

    1. I really wanted to stay in class and fight for that C, but it would have been.a risky venture. I’ll see how well I do as a stay at home husband. I hate housework.

  2. I was in a similar position with my pdoc for 13 years. He too was the head of department. In the end I requested a new Pdoc – well, insisted – it’s a bit awkward, but I made out I wanted a fresh look at my diagnosis and meds.

    It sounds as if taking your exams at another time is a good move.

    1. My challenge is that I go to a county mental health clinic and it’s a training facility. If I switched I would be reassigned to one of the resident docs and they would be going back to him to discuss my meds anyway. I’m feeling kind of trapped.

      1. I know that feeling. You’ve got to find what’s best for you. It won’t be easy, whatever you decide. In the end, I felt it was jeopardising my life; I was struggling to stay alive. The sheer desperation was my driving force. It’s not the best position to be in.

  3. I can understand it is disappointing to have to drop your class, but understand also that sometimes we have to do things like that to keep our sanity (and our GPA up). It’s possible that now just isn’t the right time. If you are unsatisfied with your current psychiatrist, I would encourage you to seek out another one. Sometimes we have to be our own advocates and it isn’t good practice for any medical professional to hear you say, “Gee Doc, I’m really depressed” and to have him ignore it. Sending happy thoughts your way. Best, Rose

    1. I’m on academic probation due to the number of classes I’ve withdrawn from so there is going to be an effect of some kind, but a failing grade would be worse. Lesser of two evils, I guess.

  4. Welcome back! I’m sorry to hear about your English class but sometimes things become overwhelming when you’re not at your best. Good for you for taking the profs advice to try again later when you are better able to manage it. Spending the rest of this term in panic mode simply isn’t worth it. I’ve been off work for 2 1/2 years now and still don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Keep yourself busy with things you enjoy doing and keep blogging! You’ll get there!

    1. Thank you, Michele, I’ve already started a list of things I can do. I’m going to try and make the best of this.

  5. Good to have you back here Bradley. Sorry to hear about your English class but sometimes it’s best to be mentally more stable with a mind to study than feeling under severe pressure and unhappy. At least you have an opportunity to take the class a little later, so you’ve got something to look forward to.

    I know you have time on your hands now but try to enjoy it because later on I’m sure you’ll be busy. Maybe re-arrange the house/furniture to give each room a fresh new look. Go out and visit places as if you’re a tourist. Or treat yourself to something nice. Hope you have a lovely week.

    1. Great idea. I actually have been thinking of getting out and being a tourist around here. I use to live in Hollywood so no need to go there, but there’s plenty of museums I have not seen. Of course, I could always go to the beach which I never get tired of.

  6. I think you acted wisely in dropping the class for now. These things happen and since your professor believes you will get an A when you retake it, hopefully that should lessen the pressure. Wishing you well.

    1. Since I’ve already taken half the class, at least I know half the material. That should help with my grade,

      1. Absolutely, and I am sure you’ll enjoy it more the second time around. I always find that the more you know beforehand, the deeper you can delve into the material, and the greater the sense of satisfaction you get as a result 🙂

  7. An A student should be getting A’s. I think it was the right decision for you to drop it this time and take it up at a later date when things are going smoother, it will happen. I admire your strength Bradley. And to hell with housework, I think it’s overrated LOL

    1. I agree about the housework being overrated. I haven’t been to the beach nearly as much as I use to. I think I’m going to head out there nearly everyday of the week. It’s a good feeling to get out there and it’s good exercise too.

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