Trapped Inside My Own Mind

I published a post last week titled Trapped. It was a quick rant about how miserable I was feeling. I don’t rant very often on this blog. Today my intent is to share what I’m feeling, but hopefully in a more coherent way. I hope I succeed.

Our President Elect

I’ve made it clear since Trump’s election win that Maurice and I want to leave our country. As a black man he is tired of living in fear that he may be pulled over by the police. As a gay couple, we are watching as great wins the LGBTQ community has achieved in recent years being flushed down the toilet. Earlier this year our House of Representatives passed the National Defense Authorization Act which included an amendment that would allow government contractors to discriminate against LGBT people.

Our new administration includes a Vice President, Mike Pence, who advocates using tax dollars for conversion therapy. If you’re not familiar with conversion therapy, it’s purpose is to change a person’s sexual orientation from gay to straight and can have serious mental side effects for those put through the process. It is banned in five states. Maurice and I are an interracial gay couple and do not feel safe or wanted within our own country.

Time to Hit the Road

If you read my blog regularly, you know I’ve been researching other countries to go to. The choices must offer excellent gay rights, be easy to migrate to and with minimal cost. The front runner is Uruguay, though the search continues, I’ve been communicating a lot with expats in the country and hear wonderful things. I also have been warned about its faults. We know should we move there we will not be moving to Utopia, but it is the most gay friendly country in South America and actually one of the best in the world. The rights far surpass those in the United states.

Why aren’t we moving there now? Well, there are personal reasons and obligations, and I’m okay with that. Frustrating though is that even though it’s easy and cheap to emigrate to, we cannot afford it.

While Trump was the catalyst for beginning our search, I now see it as an exciting adventure. Something silly and ridiculous and doing it anyway. This cannot be one of the fun opportunities that I don’t pursue. We may love it, we may hate it, but we should give it a try. I’m trapped in the U.S.A.

Missing My Kid

My nineteen-year-old daughter goes to school in England. Winter break is coming up and she’ll be flying back in the states. However, unlike last year, I am unable to afford to fly her here to LA for a week and then fly her back to school in the UK. Instead she’ll be spending the entire break with her mom in the Midwest. I can’t even afford to fly to see her for a few days. I’m trapped in L.A.

A Working Member of Society

Shouldn’t I go back to work and resolve some of these issues? Been there, done that. Working with Vocational Rehab was a complete disaster. I did try returning to college, but after giving it a try for three semesters I wound up on academic suspension. It was suggested I just drop out. I’m trapped by my mental limitations.

Time to Throw Caution to the Wind, But I Can’t

So, I continue to be trapped. I don’t have the money to do the things I must do, and I don’t have the money to do the things I want to do. Despite the lack of funds, I am trapped inside my head as well. Some of these things I should throw caution to the wind and not worry about expenses, but that gets me to where I am truly trapped. Trapped inside my own mind.

I don’t know what my next step will be. I need to move past all this anger, self-pity and resentment, but I just don’t know how. I’m not even sure I want to. Maybe this is a period in my life that I need to allow myself to feel. Get the rage out of me. Just allow myself to be and hope the rest sort itself out. I don’t have any alternate ideas. I can only hope something comes to me soon.

8 comments on Trapped Inside My Own Mind

  1. Bradley you are among friends and venting is allowed! We all do it. I wish Canada was an option for you but it is expensive. One of my minsters is gay and his husband is black. Canada is so close to the US and so very different.

    1. i love Vancouver and have wanted to move there for decades. Canada is not only expensive, their immigration laws make them very hard to get into.

  2. The answer will come to you. It’s OK to feel lost. I know. I do it all the time. I’m sorry you’re struggling so much. Just wanted to let you know I’m here for you if you need to vent.

  3. Your words are not trapped, your feelings are not trapped your love for others is not trapped, your passion for the LGBTQ community rights is not trapped… many more freedoms you have. Hang in there. One thing that never changes is that things always change. 🙂 You can do it. Hang tight, my friend.

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