Labor Day

Here in the U.S. it’s the Labor Day holiday. It has me pondering the fact that I haven’t labored ( had a job ) in 2 1/2 years. Sure, I’ve done chores around the house and been a pretty good house-husband for the most part, but it’s been odd not going to a job outside the home.

The last job I had, before my mental health forced me into disability, was managing a coffee shop. I had worked in an executive position with a fortune 500 company, but I decided not to go back to that. Man was that a mistake. Coffee shops are hard ass work trying to get young kids at minimum wage to make the perfect drink while some bitch complains that they didn’t put enough foam on her latte. Make sure you’re kind to your local barista.

I’ve written here about the fact that I’m scared about going back to work. The idea of returning to a day to day job seems more than I am capable of handling at this point. My pdoc has told me not to be concerned because I wont have to go back before I am ready, but I’m still feeling the pressure. One, I’m feeling isolated being home alone all day. Two, I feel guilty living off Social Security when I feel so many are more worthy. It’s hard for me to accept the fact, in this instance, that I have a disease that is no less than someone who has a serious physical ailment and am therefore just as worthy.

My fear of returning to work has me focused more on pursuing my own web design business. It’s what I was in the process of pursuing before all hell broke loose and seems a natural now. I wont have a direct boss looking down my shoulder and it will allow me to accept as many or as few projects as I can handle. Hopefully over the next year I can reach the point that I will be able to celebrate a true Labor
Day holiday in August.

6 comments on Labor Day

  1. Hi Bradley!What you are saying makes sense. At this time going back to a “regular” job isn’t something you are ready for. But maybe it doesn’t need to look that way.You said you were interested in web design ~ so maybe classes, or doing some for new clients to see could be where you start.There wouldn’t be any pressure in designing some for “showcase” and you could have fun.Right in this moment you don’t have to worry about tomorrow, only do the best – the very best – you can do right now. ;)Hugs,Monica

  2. I know somewhat how you feel. It’s tough filling up one’s day. I read 50 – 70 blogs a day. I’d like to be more productive, but right now, this is all I can do. We both became disabled about the same time, apparently. It gets frustrating just waiting to get better. All we can do, though, is all we can do. And whether one is disabled physically or mentally, at this time, we are not able to work. Today. I’m not sure when, or if, the tomorrow will come when I can go to work, but in the meantime, I’ll accept that I’m a human being, not a human doing. And that’s ok with me. All the best to you.

  3. Oh goodness, it’s so easy to feel more guilty on a holiday when you’re already depressed, isn’t it?You are worthy of help, Bradley. Your needs are no less than anybody else. But having said that I understand the reluctance to be or seem dependent. I don’t think it’s at all easy to accept help where it’s needed but not come to need it too much. In small steps you’ll make it back up the ladder (though maybe not the corporate one this time).

  4. If a job outside of the home isn’t something that you are ready for, then your just not ready. No need to beat yourself up for it at all! If web design is something that your interested in, then take the time at home to hone your skills. I know how many days of work I have lost to depression, and it is best to stay at home and get healthy. I wish you all the best!Take care:)

  5. I think working for yourself is a great idea. As far as being on disability? that’s what it is there for. SSI doesn’t just get handed out that easily, meaning you have good reason to have it, they justified it, so you deserve to use it as long as needed.Work is a big stress for many people, wow I get anxiety that is crippling sometimes just thinking about it. (and I work in schools, so guess what is coming up? work!ack)Take careStephany

  6. Dear Bradley,Having been a freelancer for years, I think it’s a way better option than a 9-5 job. It’s doable. You can pace yourself. If you’re having a bad day, you can work in your pajamas. And if you work on projects, you don’t have to stress yourself out every day!Susan

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