I Am NOT Okay

I hear it all the time, “I’m glad to see you are much better.” “How are you doing?” “You look so much better today” etc. etc. etc.

I’ve got news for you folks…I’m NOT better. OK, maybe I am from a few months ago, but unless they come up with a cure I will have bipolar disorder until the day I die.

  • Want to know how I’m doing? Let’s talk about the moments I’m so depressed that for no reason I break into tears.
  • I look great don’t I? Well, let me share the days that I’m so manic that I’m going crazy around the house, absolutely exhausted but feel unable to stop myself and rest.
  • You’re glad I’m all better now? How about I tell you about the moments I step away quietly so that you don’t see me shaking so badly that I look like I’m insane, or need to get my composure before I can continue to put on a smile.

The thing that drives me most about all this is that I know their concern is sincere. I know they truly care. If I didn’t believe that it would be much easier because then I could slap them and say “Shut the hell up!” But I can’t do that. It is nice to have people who care, but it’s hard to accept they’ll never understand.

I realize I’m not sounding very wacky or silly today, but I go through this every week, especially on Sunday when I’m at church. I smile and say “I’m doing ok” and see the odd looks on peoples faces implying to me that they don’t get it. I certainly seem well to them.

Part of my lack of humor is the shakes I’m still having. I spoke with my pdoc about it and we changed my meds, as I said, and are waiting for the change to come in. Until then, I’m dropping things, I can’t stop, I catch myself falling down, etc. It is not a pleasant experience. Hopefully it gets better soon.

To help make up for my bitchy mood I’m going to leave you with one of the funniest videos I’ve seen in a long time. If you are in a depressive state, you may want to skip it for now, however, if you are in a higher cycle then you’ll probably be like me, and will completely relate to poor Henri.

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  14 comments for “I Am NOT Okay

  1. Rob Johnson
    July 3, 2008 at 13:02

    It’s amazing how people seem to automatically get “cancer” even though they can’t “see it” or “diabetes” even though they can’t “see it”. In those cases, the person afflicted doesn’t have to reflect their illness on the outside to receive respect. Why is it so different for those of us living with a mental illness?I despise that fact of life!

  2. July 1, 2008 at 20:17

    Bradley…I’m sorry things aren’t going well for you…I have no idea, nor can I imagine what it must be like to go through what you do on a daily basis…I do have some knowledge of how powerful the mind is …everyone has their own struggles in life some far more difficult than others…we do the best we can…I feel most people ask “how are you doing” without expecting a truthful answer…it is used more as a greeting phrase than asking a question… Best wishes for you…

  3. July 1, 2008 at 17:38

    Thanks for being one of my top 25 ec droppers!

  4. Shiv
    July 1, 2008 at 09:58

    Being “ok” is generally a relative thing these days for me. And for a large part my definition of how “ok” I am is really how well I’m hiding the [email protected] going on inside.Big hugs to you my friend, I understand you.~Shiv

  5. July 1, 2008 at 16:43

    Poor Henri. Bradley, I know some of what you are going through. Even with the relative anonymity of a blog, I still reval very little of the inner me. In fact, almost no one in the RW knows what goes on inside me. They already think I’m crazy based on what I’ve shown. Hell, I’d be locked up if I let it all out.

  6. Michelle
    July 1, 2008 at 01:04

    I ask you how you are cause I love you. I’ve been through my own hell and I want to help. sorry!

  7. July 1, 2008 at 04:01

    Love ya !!!

  8. Meg
    July 1, 2008 at 03:12

    Thank you for this post.This is a HUGE issue. I have the very same problem with family… my Mother even! She thinks there will be some magickal moment when Meggy will turn into a fairy princess.I think I feel more sorry for her than I do for me sometimes.Thanks again.

  9. June 30, 2008 at 22:10

    Bradley, I am sorry you are going through a tough time. You are entitled to feel angry. It is especially so with the your med. problems.Your post was so very expressive and said so much of how you must feel. Of course there is also your humor that is such a gift, thanks for the film. Annie

  10. June 30, 2008 at 22:09

    Bradley, I am sorry you are going through a tough time. You are entitled to feel angry. It is especially so with the your med. problems.Your post was so very expressive and said so much of how you must feel. Of course there is also your humor that is such a gift, thanks for the film. Annie

  11. June 30, 2008 at 21:33

    I know just how Henri feels. I don’t know how you feel. I’m not in your shoes. I think the people at church just want to say they care about you. I can understand how frustrating it can be to asked if you’re okay and your need to say that you are when you’re not.I hope you get to feeling better soon. Med changes are tough (to put it mildly).I’m always here with an ear to listen.

  12. June 30, 2008 at 18:52

    I’m not okayYou’re not okayWe have to struggle to get there, to be okay, but we struggle and we struggle hard. Find that smile, shake that hand, belive it

  13. June 30, 2008 at 17:21

    Thanks for the video Bradley! Henri has quite the life. Maybe his struggles are related to the fact he only speaks French? (JUST KIDDING!)I hate that how are you question too. I think no matter who you are – the answer is rarely honest unless it is to your spouse or closest friends. Otherwise… it is just another form of greeting. Sad really.

  14. June 30, 2008 at 16:48

    That video was hilarious. Where do you find these on YouTube? I am sorry things suck right now. You are not alone. Things suck for me. I understand especially with this past weekend. Even, my husband and I were talking about it. How caring people just can’t understand even if they wanted to, so rather than have that awkward moment of telling the truth then, “well, okay take care. I’ll be praying for you” moment. I lie and say things are fine which is a lie. I am rarely fine whatever that really means. And, it is worse in a church. So, many masks and people tend to hide behind religion or God so that they don’t see the need of others or simplify what for me being a Christian is. Come on people can we just be real for a moment…sadly, most can’t. It is us, the ones who know we are messed up, that are real. Sorry, to go on, but it has been an issue this weekend.

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