It’s a Twister, It’s a Twister

I had a great night sleep last night. I woke up about every hour on the hour starting about 2am. Each time I wanted to get up and do some things but forced myself to go back to sleep. Sounds bad, but it felt good. At 5:45 I couldn’t take it anymore. I got my ass out of bed and went for a walk. It was a miracle! I didn’t even have back pain. Something must be wrong.

Today is laundry day. Yes, I’m talking about laundry again – get over it! Having no quarters I had to walk to the supermarket to get some. Oh my God, I was walking again for the second time and it wasn’t even 8am yet. The idea of physically moving rather than sitting in front of a pc is a strange and scary world. On my way back from the market my back started to hurt, but not as bad as the past few weeks. It appears slowly I’m reversing the atrophy in my muscles. I’m feeling optimistic.

Don’t perky morning people suck? Well, that’s what poor Maurice woke up to as I was singing and sorting clothes. He said something to the nature of “Oh God, you’re manic today.” How dare he! I informed him I was not was manic, but was just feeling chipper. The look in his eyes, told me he wasn’t buying it. I hate that he’s almost always right and I was ordered not to overdo it. We’ll see.

I had the first Bipolar and Depression Support Group that I organized yesterday. There were only three of us, but we all seemed encouraged and willing to make a commitment to see the group grow. I’m excited and will continue to get the word out.

Back in my life are my old friends anxiety and panic. I have no idea why. My hands shake like an old drunk and I’ve gone back to biting my nails. I’m in LA where there’s a nail spa every 50 feet and my nails look like hell. My legs continually look like I’m bouncing an invisible baby. One of them always has to be going. Panic is my arch enemy. I’ve had a few mild attacks again but yesterday a bad one hit like a ton of bricks. While leaving a busy restaurant suddenly the acid trip, without acid started again. Things in the restaurant took a life of their own. All the lights were glaring directly at me, all the voices were shouting directly at me, all the sounds were ripping at my ears. I had to stop and grab the counter. To get out of the place we did our usual, I stared at Maurice’s back and followed him. Once close to the exit I ran like hell.

As if all that wasn’t enough. Vertigo is back. Do you remember the Wizard of Oz when Dorothy was lying on the bed as it spun in circles? That is what it use to be like for me. The damn thing is back. It’s not as bad, but it sucks. I’m started to fall down again. Fortunately I’ve always had something to grab onto or Maurice has caught me. I think there’s a relationship with my bipolar and all of this including the vertigo and seizures, but doctors and therapists have poo poo’d the idea. The bastards. I’ll talk to my new pdoc and see if she has anything to say about it.

Time to continue my “chipper” day and get the laundry out of the dryer. Let’s see if I get it all folded today.

14 comments on It’s a Twister, It’s a Twister

  1. hi Bradley,Monday is my laundry day. I try to manage my time on this day. Folding the clothes take all of my time so I do it when I’m done with everything. have a nice day!

  2. You go head with your bad self. Congrats on getting 3 people for your group. I bet you will have more in no time. Thats a good idea about the book. I’m the same way at night. Its 3 am for me. I had to be put on sleeping pills. Not that I like taking them. Keep up with the walking. Something I need to start doing again. Take care. 🙂

  3. Have you ever thought of writing a book? Your meanderings are so good and god knows it would be a good use of your time. Of course the blog is like an interactive book I get that but an actual book would make you some bread too.Your so lovable. Michelle’s Dad

  4. Continue on my brave soul. I can’t work for at least 2 days due to my back. I left yesterday and went to Kaiser where they gave me 2 shots(one tetnus, so what if it’s spelled wrong, and one for my back. So anyway I’m open for some meetings if you are. Let me know.Michelle’s dad

  5. Bradley – I need to steal that photo!! That is my week this week 🙂 Congrats on your group starting – 3 is a crowd right? hoo! And… I have to tell you that D and I both try to do chores like laundry and stuff as a race before we get to SL. That way we can sit on SL guilt free. Now mind you it rarely works out that way – but it is a nice goal :)Happy Monday! Kim

  6. I have had a panic attack or forty in my time. Been at all different points of my life from teens to know. I think it is some genetic thing. No matter what era, they are unnerving. Very acid like so I think your metaphor is spot on. I really haven’t had one in 8 or 10years. Whenever it feels like I may be going to in a panic destination, I just harken back to a really peaceful, serene time in my life. Invariably it is by the ocean. It has worked like a charm for me.I guess it helps to have faith for me. I know in my heart that whatever happens is ultimately beyond my control. The more I think about it, control is such a etheral illusion. What I do know is that my ultimate destination is a place of such serenity, peace and love that this life with its trials and tribulations will be rendered totally trivial. Believing that helps me deal with things:).

  7. You are beginning in some many ways and that is so fantastic and it’s the way it should be I have no doubt. I’m proud of you and look up to you, keep it up my friend. You know where I’m at!

  8. I’m a firm believer in a link between bipolar and epilepsy. My psychiatrist had heard the idea bandied about and never agreed with it. I was diagnosed with bipolar in 2005 (Xmas actually – Merry Xmas to me!) – and at the time was having more manic episodes than depression. Prior to that it was the opposite and that’s when I had the most seizures. Last year when my bipolar turned back into more depressive episodes, lo and behold back came the seizures with a vengence. After seeing it with his own two eyes my psychiatrist is now on the bipolar/epilepsy link bandwagon. Congratualtions on the support group. I think you’ll be surpirsed how many people will turn up to meetings once the word gets out. Hopefully you’ll also find, as I’ve done with my support group, how helpful sharing experiences can be. Good on you for organising it and best of luck with it.By the way, writer’s are always writers. We may take a hiatus every so often, but we are what we are and always will be :)Oh and the shaking legs and hands thing, I get that too. Take care,Zathyn

  9. You inspired me … I went to the laundrette and did a HUGE four trips wash. Now I have lots of damp towels and sheets hanging over impromptu clotheshorses (chairs, doors, ladders etc.) around my flat because I ran out of change before they were dry. *looks around at damp chaos*This is your fault ;)Actually, I’m really glad I did it. It’s been a long time since the quilt’s looked so white.

  10. “It’s too late to stop now”Van Morrison from “Into the Mystic” Look at the numbers rolling in guy. What a pleasure to know you and Maurice.Are you going to have another ceremony?the dad

  11. hmm. Yes. Laundry. I really should take my clothes out of the washer! They went in the night before i went to hospital :-/Great post tho, as always my friend :)By the way, you’ve been tagged. Don,t worry, this is actually quite an interesting one!~Shiv

  12. I’m on the board of a local DBSA chapter, and it’s a great organization. I think it’s wonderful you’re taking the time to do it.I have hands that are starting to be unsteady. But unsteady in a strange, spastic kind of way. Not consistently as I would have thought. And my “RLS”, just like yours it’s constant.Zathyn – I’m sure you already know this, but there are medications like Lamictal that are used for both epilepsy and bipolar disorder. I think it’s interesting that Lamictal was developed for epilepsy but discovered later that it worked for bipolar disorder. It was prescribed “off label” before it was approved. It’s now one of 2 (that I know) drugs approved for long term maintenance of bipolar disorder.

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